Red-Blue America: Should law define when yes means yes for sex?

A law is a poor way to transform culture, but it can give it a push
You know what’s better than the best sex you ever had? Knowing that your partner fully and completely wanted to be part of the experience, too. Why would anybody want it differently? This is not a defense of the California law: I’d rather see the prosecutions of sexual assault left to police and criminal courts instead of handled by a college bureaucracy that seems incompetent at such matters. The policy is not one I’d choose. Then again, the debate over this policy has run into some complications. Conservatives have accused liberals of favoring unrestrained sexual morality and creating a “hookup culture” where sex is separated from meaning - and at the same time introducing Victorian-era sensibilities into the bedroom by expecting a formal exchange of permission to proceed. But liberals might note that conservatives - social conservatives, anyway - are forever trying to find ways to restrain the out-of-wedlock sex drives of Americans, yet they seem to be the most ardent critics of the “affirmative consent” concept. They don’t want us saying yes to sex, but they don’t want us to have to say yes to sex either. Most of us, I suspect, would prefer some level of freedom and respect. And that’s all “affirmative consent” is about, really: respecting your partner enough never to assume that they want to have sex. Respecting them enough to ensure that you’re on the same page. Respecting them enough to control your desires just a bit. Embedding such respect into law is difficult - though not impossible: It’s why we have rape and sexual assault laws in the first place. But the hard work of creating respect - of teaching our young people to both expect it and to give it to their partners - happens at the cultural level. In families and among friends. Do we need this law to begin the hard work of transforming our culture? I don’t think so. But the culture might need a little push. Joel Mathis (joelmmathis@gmail.com) is associate editor for Philadelphia Magazine. Visit them on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/benandjoel.  A law is a poor way to transform culture, but it can give it a push
You know what’s better than the best sex you ever had? Knowing that your partner fully and completely wanted to be part of the experience, too.Why would anybody want it differently?This is not a defense of the California law: I’d rather see the prosecutions of sexual assault left to police and criminal courts instead of handled by a college bureaucracy that seems incompetent at such matters. The policy is not one I’d choose.Then again, the debate over this policy has run into some complications.Conservatives have accused liberals of favoring unrestrained sexual morality and creating a “hookup culture” where sex is separated from meaning - and at the same time introducing Victorian-era sensibilities into the bedroom by expecting a formal exchange of permission to proceed.But liberals might note that conservatives - social conservatives, anyway - are forever trying to find ways to restrain the out-of-wedlock sex drives of Americans, yet they seem to be the most ardent critics of the “affirmative consent” concept. They don’t want us saying yes to sex, but they don’t want us to have to say yes to sex either.Most of us, I suspect, would prefer some level of freedom and respect.And that’s all “affirmative consent” is about, really: respecting your partner enough never to assume that they want to have sex. Respecting them enough to ensure that you’re on the same page. Respecting them enough to control your desires just a bit.Embedding such respect into law is difficult - though not impossible: It’s why we have rape and sexual assault laws in the first place.But the hard work of creating respect - of teaching our young people to both expect it and to give it to their partners - happens at the cultural level. In families and among friends. Do we need this law to begin the hard work of transforming our culture? I don’t think so. But the culture might need a little push.Joel Mathis (joelmmathis@gmail.com) is associate editor for Philadelphia Magazine. Visit them on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/benandjoel.