Local view: Even Jesus a tough sell in this political climate

Mr. Thomas? Yes, Teresa.A gentleman here to see you. Says he’s known you forever. A missionary type, I think. He’s wearing a long, white robe.All right, send him in.Jesus! Long time. Didn’t think I’d ever see you again.
Nice office. Let me get this right, the shingle on the door says, “D. Thomas - Political Consultant And Election Management Services, LLC.” I don’t believe this is what Father had in mind when he granted you extended tenure on Earth, D. Thomas.Well, it’s a living.Whatever happened to you spreading the good word in Palestine, Egypt, Africa and Europe?Lemme explain. I migrated here to the U.S. in the 1940s from central Europe because they were killing us by the millions over there. I may be good at defying death, Jesus, but I still feel pain, and being burned alive in one of those ovens in Dachau was not exactly appealing.Let’s not forget, Thomas, I also know about suffering and pain.Well, then, I guess this isn’t just a social call, is it?No. Father has that thinning-the-herd look again, and I’m here as a kind of preventive measure. Especially with this mess in Assyria.You mean Iraq?Whatever it’s called these days. And in Palestine and Africa, just to name a few hot spots. So I think it’s time I became a player again.And just how do you plan on doing this?Well, you’re a political genius, right? I’m going to hire you to get me elected to the highest office in the most powerful nation on the planet.You want to be president of the United States of America? Whew, Jesus, that’s a pretty tall order. First, there’s your name. No one is going to believe it’s really you.What? There are hundreds of millions of followers worldwide. You think they’d reject me in the flesh? I clearly have more faith in this than you. Let’s make this happen. I’ve won over way tougher crowds. You should know. You were there.Yes, but things are different now and different here. It’s out of control. Let’s say I can work around your name. What about the birthing issue.The what?To be president of the United States, you have to be born here, and history has you unambiguously born in the Bethlehem that’s in Palestine, not the one that’s in Pennsylvania.I can get around that. I happen to know someone who’s really good at creating things, so a simple birth certificate is no big deal. What else?Well, what about your biological parents? They weren’t married when your mom was pregnant with you. The right-wingers are going to have a field day with that.Thomas, everyone knows the truth about that.Yes and no. As you are fully aware, objective truth is something both verifiable and refutable; therefore, it stands on its own merit. But in today’s politics, subjective reality becomes truth without validation by constantly repeating a claim and not allowing it to be refuted. In other words, propaganda.That’s disconcerting, Thomas. How are they able to get away with this?I really don’t know, but here’s how it goes: Your opponents will take some deplorable act, and, no matter how remote or out of context it may be, they will spin it around and keep repeating it so eventually the people will begin to believe you were the one responsible. For example, take the evening you were at a friend’s wedding when they ran out of wine. Well, your opponents are going to posture you as some kind of playboy partier who showed up to get everyone drunk.That’s ridiculous.Wait. It gets worse. You don’t even want to know how they could spin Lazarus’s death. They will say you faked it and then came rushing in to save him at the last moment as some kind of publicity stunt. I mean, face it, nothing you’ve done can be objectively verified; thus, everything becomes subjective and can be falsely scrutinized by those who know no boundaries or ethics.I don’t believe this. You’re not being reasonable.That’s right, and your opponents will be anything but fair or reasonable. Take that day you wigged out in the temple in Jerusalem and tore up the place, kicking out all the vendors. Today, they will call you a terrorist, not a reformer. And, believe me, they will crucify you on your “friendship” with Mary Magdalene. I hate to be the one to tell you this, Jesus, but you’re a tough sell. You champion for the sick and the poor, the pacifists and all those hopeless immigrants, but those are things that aren’t even considered issues in today’s political arena. Maybe you should go back and rethink this election thing.You know, in the past 2,000 years, you’ve come a long way from a humble, illiterate fisherman to one of my best front men. But crucify me? So let me tell you something, Dow Ting Thomas, the one thing Father lacks is a sense of humor. After I leave you today, I’d strongly suggest you start packing. I believe, after hearing what you’ve told me, Father will create another one of his extinction events. Thomas Schur of Mountain Iron is a retired power plant operator for the city of Virginia, an ex-Catholic, and a psychology major and western philosophy minor from the University of Minnesota Duluth.Mr. Thomas?Yes, Teresa.A gentleman here to see you. Says he’s known you forever. A missionary type, I think. He’s wearing a long, white robe.All right, send him in.Jesus! Long time. Didn’t think I’d ever see you again.
Nice office. Let me get this right, the shingle on the door says, “D. Thomas - Political Consultant And Election Management Services, LLC.” I don’t believe this is what Father had in mind when he granted you extended tenure on Earth, D. Thomas.Well, it’s a living.Whatever happened to you spreading the good word in Palestine, Egypt, Africa and Europe?Lemme explain. I migrated here to the U.S. in the 1940s from central Europe because they were killing us by the millions over there. I may be good at defying death, Jesus, but I still feel pain, and being burned alive in one of those ovens in Dachau was not exactly appealing.Let’s not forget, Thomas, I also know about suffering and pain.Well, then, I guess this isn’t just a social call, is it?No. Father has that thinning-the-herd look again, and I’m here as a kind of preventive measure. Especially with this mess in Assyria.You mean Iraq?Whatever it’s called these days. And in Palestine and Africa, just to name a few hot spots. So I think it’s time I became a player again.And just how do you plan on doing this?Well, you’re a political genius, right? I’m going to hire you to get me elected to the highest office in the most powerful nation on the planet.You want to be president of the United States of America? Whew, Jesus, that’s a pretty tall order. First, there’s your name. No one is going to believe it’s really you.What? There are hundreds of millions of followers worldwide. You think they’d reject me in the flesh? I clearly have more faith in this than you. Let’s make this happen. I’ve won over way tougher crowds. You should know. You were there.Yes, but things are different now and different here. It’s out of control. Let’s say I can work around your name. What about the birthing issue.The what?To be president of the United States, you have to be born here, and history has you unambiguously born in the Bethlehem that’s in Palestine, not the one that’s in Pennsylvania.I can get around that. I happen to know someone who’s really good at creating things, so a simple birth certificate is no big deal. What else?Well, what about your biological parents? They weren’t married when your mom was pregnant with you. The right-wingers are going to have a field day with that.Thomas, everyone knows the truth about that.Yes and no. As you are fully aware, objective truth is something both verifiable and refutable; therefore, it stands on its own merit. But in today’s politics, subjective reality becomes truth without validation by constantly repeating a claim and not allowing it to be refuted. In other words, propaganda.That’s disconcerting, Thomas. How are they able to get away with this?I really don’t know, but here’s how it goes: Your opponents will take some deplorable act, and, no matter how remote or out of context it may be, they will spin it around and keep repeating it so eventually the people will begin to believe you were the one responsible. For example, take the evening you were at a friend’s wedding when they ran out of wine. Well, your opponents are going to posture you as some kind of playboy partier who showed up to get everyone drunk.That’s ridiculous.Wait. It gets worse. You don’t even want to know how they could spin Lazarus’s death. They will say you faked it and then came rushing in to save him at the last moment as some kind of publicity stunt. I mean, face it, nothing you’ve done can be objectively verified; thus, everything becomes subjective and can be falsely scrutinized by those who know no boundaries or ethics.I don’t believe this. You’re not being reasonable.That’s right, and your opponents will be anything but fair or reasonable. Take that day you wigged out in the temple in Jerusalem and tore up the place, kicking out all the vendors. Today, they will call you a terrorist, not a reformer. And, believe me, they will crucify you on your “friendship” with Mary Magdalene. I hate to be the one to tell you this, Jesus, but you’re a tough sell. You champion for the sick and the poor, the pacifists and all those hopeless immigrants, but those are things that aren’t even considered issues in today’s political arena. Maybe you should go back and rethink this election thing.You know, in the past 2,000 years, you’ve come a long way from a humble, illiterate fisherman to one of my best front men. But crucify me? So let me tell you something, Dow Ting Thomas, the one thing Father lacks is a sense of humor. After I leave you today, I’d strongly suggest you start packing. I believe, after hearing what you’ve told me, Father will create another one of his extinction events.Thomas Schur of Mountain Iron is a retired power plant operator for the city of Virginia, an ex-Catholic, and a psychology major and western philosophy minor from the University of Minnesota Duluth.