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Broken bridges, broken promises ... We need Trump!

So we're right in the thick of being nowhere near the presidential election of 2016 and some significant, thoughtful contenders have entered the race to be the next commander in chief. And then there's Donald Trump.

Minnesota Slip Bridge
The meek Slip Bridge. (Duluth News Tribune file photo)

So we're right in the thick of being nowhere near the presidential election of 2016 and some significant, thoughtful contenders have entered the race to be the next commander in chief. And then there's Donald Trump.

Since this is a humor column, I'll give you three guesses as to whom I am going to focus on today and the first two don't count, unless you said "Donald Trump" twice. Donald Trump is a serious candidate for president in the same way that the little blue Slip Bridge in Canal Park is a serious candidate for being a bridge. They've both been stuck in the "up" position for more than four hours, which means they should both see a doctor immediately and then both be put out of our misery. And I just may have a way to do it.

Why not ask Mr. Trump to take care of our Slip Bridge problem? This is not such a crazy idea. If Duluth gave Mr. Trump something to occupy that vast expanse of emptiness known as his mind something to focus on, he might just wander off the campaign trail and never find it again. The rest of the Republican field of candidates would be ecstatic to have him gone (yes, there are other Republicans running, although you'd be hard-pressed to know that with the media covering more of Trump than his tempestuous toupee does) and, if elected, they might be willing to do this area a favor or two. Imagine! The first Republican president to take northern Minnesota off the "sell to Canada" list!

But, first things first ...

So, Donald Trump, just how would you fix Duluth's Slip Bridge?

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TRUMP: "First of all, that bridge is a loser. It's not a bridge. It's not even close to a bridge. I know bridges, OK? I've burned about a million of them over the years and that ridiculous, tiny, probably made-in-China walkway is not a bridge. It's always busted and people can't get around it. They have to walk a couple blocks out of their way. This is America, OK? We don't walk. Physical activity is for losers. I haven't walked anywhere in 10 years. What I'd do, after I counted all my money and paraded around my beautiful trophy wives, is this: I'd tear down that bridge - and make Mexican tourists pay for it, by the way - and then I'd get a huge Trump Twin Ports Tower built down there and fill it with huge Trump businesses to make me even more huge money than I have now. Which is quite a bit."

Tune in next week when Mr. Trump presents his innovative solution to fix Duluth's potholes, involving Barbara Reyelts' cell phone and immigrants from Wisconsin.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com . He is desperately waiting to hear the words “Trump-Palin 2016” so he can be set for material for the next 15 months.

Brian Matuszak

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