So, I just finished a book about Abraham Lincoln, and it was really interesting. Oh sure, it was a work of fiction, but I enjoyed how the author intertwined the made-up stuff with historical facts.
For example, the book touched on Lincoln's first election loss, the Gettysburg Address, the Emancipation Proclamation, and other true aspects of our 16th president's colorful life. But the parts where Abe was a secret vampire hunter?
Well, I'm not 100 percent convinced those were accurate. It would be awesome if an American President could save this country from evil, bloodsucking creatures, but Obama isn't having much luck with Congress right now and that's why I have my doubts.
It's fun to think that ultra-cool, top-secret stuff like vampire killing and Area 51 and the Ark of the Covenant has been passed down from president to president, but the only vital information that's probably been shared is how to sneak out of the White House when no one's looking. And, except for Taft (so he could eat 72 hot dogs), Nixon (so he could oversee the Watergate break-in) and Clinton (you know), not many of our leaders have used that info.
This book also explored the famous Lincoln-Douglas debates, and that section reminded me about the coolness of actual debates. Sadly, we don't have true debates in this country anymore. What used to be known as "debate" has
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de-evolved into two groups of people who scream at each other, call each other names, anonymously sling mud and half-truths, and are just generally nasty.
For example, this recent kerfluffle (yay, I worked "kerfluffle" into a column!) with Michele Bachmann's migraines. There are about 63 issues the other Republican presidential nominees could raise about Bachmann, but instead of addressing her and those issues directly, some cowardly, anonymous source (that I suspect rhymes with "T-Paw") leaks info about her migraines.
Why? What possible reason could there be for that? We don't want our president to get a headache? The job is a 24-hour-a-day headache! She might have to take medication for the migraines, and become loopy? Were you around for George W. Bush's presidency?
No, I suspect it was because this "T-Paw" candidate was afraid to take her on directly, and that tells you everything you need to know about that "T-Paw" candidate right there. If you can't handle Michele "Every Time I Open My Mouth Wonderful Things Fly Out" Bachmann in a debate, you need to go home now.
Remember when we had passionate debates in this country about real issues? Issues that mattered and had substance? Issues that you could get behind and defend to your dying breath? Issues like:
Soda vs. pop (I say pop -- and so does my much more serious columnist colleague above!)
Duck, Duck, Goose vs. Duck, Duck, Grey Duck (Of course, it's "Goose"!)
Did Han Solo shoot first? (Yes! I mean, why bother creating a cool character if you're only gonna neuter him in later years, George Lucas?)
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We need to get back to real debates like this, with two sides defending their positions with powerful, articulate, well thought-out ideas. It's what made America great.
That, and killin' vampires.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and can't wait for the debates in the upcoming Duluth mayoral elections -- something like this:
Don Ness: My opponent is too young to be mayor!
(Ness walks over to other side of stage)
Don Ness: But he does have boyish good looks!
