So the end of the summer is upon us. It also appears to be upon my favorite shirt. Wait a minute -- that's not summer, that's mustard. Dang it! I must have overshot my corn dog again.
While I go clean off, please enjoy a few End-of-Summer Random Thoughts:
- There doesn't seem to be much resting going on at area rest stops lately. It also appears that I have been using them incorrectly.
- I want my headstone to read: "The line for the zombie apocalypse forms here."
- Every time I feed the cat, I end up smelling like tuna fish. I need to start using a spoon.
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- Hamburger Helper? More like Hamburger Enabler.
- Why is it considered a bad thing to burn your candle at both ends? I am saving a ton of money on wicks.
- For the majority of moist towelettes I have encountered in my life, it would be a stretch to call them anything more than slightly damp.
- What does the guy who writes inspirational quotes on posters look at when he needs an emotional lift? It can't be his posters. He'd read 'em and be all like "yeah, right."
If you unscramble Gabby Douglas' last name, you get "USA Gold." You also have "too much time on your hands."
- My favorite nonsensical word? Farblegarkensteinichwazzbottenskietheldoodoo. Favorite sensical word? Nonsensical.
- Fun Fact: "Fun" and "Fact" are the only two one-syllable words in the English language that start with the letter F.
- In 1975, what did turkeys call other turkeys when they wanted to insult them? "What are you talking about, you jive... you!"
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- I'll give you a penny for your thoughts, but I can't pay you for your actions until some legislation is passed.
- If I were a carpenter, and you were a lady, and we lived in Proctor, we'd both be out of business.
- Last weekend, I was at a farm auction and a bee flew into my overalls. I accidentally won a rusty haybaler and two single shank subsoilers.
- On a related topic, does anyone want to buy a rusty haybaler or two single shank subsoilers? Maybe I'll just put them on Craigslist. Hey, I could meet the buyer at Thompson Hill!
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and he thought that fall was right around the corner, but it turned out to be a ketchup stain from that slippery corn dog mentioned earlier.
