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Brian Matuszak column: Random Thoughts for a random day

So it's April Fool's Day. April Fool! It's only the middle of March. But that doesn't mean we can't have some foolish fun via a random thought or three.

Brian Matuszak

So it's April Fool's Day. April Fool! It's only the middle of March. But that doesn't mean we can't have some foolish fun via a random thought or three.

So, without further ado (because I have a limited amount of ado to get me through the rest of the month), may I present some Random Thoughts? I may!

  • There's no one I'd rather wake up to than Pat Kelly. Unfortunately, he has to be at KDAL pretty early, so he gets up first.
  • I'm no marketing guru, but when this year's Professional Bowling Association champion writes his autobiography, he'd better put his name all over that thing.
  • Interesting Tidbit: there is not one person named Herman living in Hermantown.
  • If you're standing in line outside The Last Place on Earth, don't bother trying to pass the time playing Does This Look Infected To You? The answer is always Yes.
  • Whenever I leave a room, I whisper: "Mission accomplished."
  • Whenever I enter a room, I scream: "THE EAGLE HAS LANDED!!"
  • I don't seem to get invited to a lot of parties.
  • Lots of surprises in Don Ness' State of the City video. For example,

I found out that Enger Tower is made entirely of dryer lint and gum. And in the event of a Twin Ports divorce, Superior gets custody of the Bong and High Bridges, but Duluth gets Proctor. And "Teatro Zuccone" is Italian for "You have zucchini in your teeth."

  • I may be in the minority, but I think they should make the test for the Emergency Broadcast System multiple-choice.
  • Another State of the City video observation: You didn't hear it from me, but I know for a fact the mayor used a body double for the nude scene.
  • There's no proof that George Lucas named Luke Skywalker after the Duluth skywalk system, but I have heard noises emanating from the Holiday Center restrooms that sound like the words "Boba Fett."
  • Lately, I've been wondering more and more about my purpose in this universe, and I've got it narrowed down to volunteering at the animal shelter, reading to children at the library, or watching "Cupcake Wars" on The Food Network.
  • Adam Clark needs a new sign-off phrase after his weather forecast. "Them's the temps, Chester!" isn't fresh anymore. However, I do enjoy when he lifts up his shirt to reveal the daily barometric pressure written in crayon across his belly. Keep that.
  • Every ten minutes, a horse gives birth in this country. We've got to find that horse.

Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and has more random thoughts than Mars has monkeys.

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