So ... upper chestal area pockets.
Now that I have your attention, let’s start in on this week’s topic:
Upper chestal area pockets.
Well, not just upper chestal area pockets, but also aluminum can recycling and public restroom hand dryers. All worthy subjects, to be sure, but “upper chestal area pockets” is the only one that’s fun to write, read and even say out loud. Try it right now. I’ll wait here.
DRAMATIC PAUSE AS YOU SAY “UPPER CHESTAL AREA POCKETS.”
ISN’T THAT FUN? TRY IT AGAIN. LOUDER!
IF YOU’RE ALONE AT HOME RIGHT NOW, ENJOY THIS MOMENT OF VERBAL AMUSEMENT AS MUCH AS YOU CAN BEFORE YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER GETS HOME AND TOSSES A SHOE AT YOU.
HOWEVER, IF YOU’RE STANDING DOWNTOWN IN THE LIBRARY BUS STOP RIGHT NOW, YOU BETTER HURRY AND SAY IT ONE LAST TIME BECAUSE THE AUTHORITIES ARE PROBABLY ON THEIR WAY.
Now that you’re back, let’s talk about why I’m bringing up upper chestal area pockets at all. First off, I’ve now snuck this colorful phrase past the Budgeteer censors six times and, because of that, Sam Cook owes me a dollar. Second, upper chestal area pockets (Seven! Now Larry Weber owes me a dollar, too!) are just one example of a recurring problem I’ve noticed that threatens to permanently bring out my inner crabby old man. That is, why do the powers-that-be, higher-up, muckety-mucks feel the need to mess around with things that are working just fine and don’t need to be improved in the first place?
My wife noticed this irksome phenomenon last week as she was looking for summer shirts. Every one of them had a pair of pockets on the front upper area of the shirt where she’s never going be carrying anything anyway. For example, even if she needed change for the bus, it would be way too awkward to reach up and in there to fumble around to retrieve it and if she tried for too long, the authorities would once again be summoned to the bus stop.
But it doesn’t end there. Did you know it is now easier to find summer in Duluth than it is to find a place that still recycles aluminum cans? It’s true! We needed to make a little room in the garage so we climbed to the top of Mount Exploding Bag of Diet Coke Cans and tried to turn them into cash at our local recycling center where we had brought them in the past. But apparently they stopped accepting aluminum cans and we were laughed out of there quicker than summer in Duluth. Would have been nice to know that beforehand, because we were stuck with a truckload of sticky cans. Luckily, summer in Duluth is over, so no bees followed us home.
And what’s the deal with new restroom layouts? I had to answer nature’s text last week (no more nature calls, we got a new plan) and so I began my usual route: Take care of business, then step closer to the exit to wash my hands at the sink, and then get right next to exit to use the hand dryer and then zoom out the door. No need to spend any longer in there than is absolutely necessary. But up at the mall, they have new bathrooms that switch the route and actually make you walk further INTO the restroom, AWAY from the exit, to track down a hand dryer after you clean up. That’s even MORE horrific chances to get splashed on, infected and/or grossed out by other human beings. What’s the point?
I don’t know. The world seems to be a lot more complicated these days by decision-makers who feel like if they aren’t doing something, they aren’t doing anything. And that’s just not true. “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it,” as the old saying goes. Keep restroom travel patterns the same. Keep recycling aluminum cans. And keep your upper chestal area pockets to yourself.
Hey, that’s eight times! If I can get to 10, the mayor owes me a six-pack of Diet Coke. But I’ll have nowhere to recycle the cans ...
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com . He was going to make the address upperchestalareapockets.com or upperchestalareapockets.org, but too many sketchy websites came up when he did a Google search. Oh, and Don? Try to find the one with lime flavor. Mmm-mmm!
