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Brian Matuszak column: In celebration of cargo shorts

So let's celebrate pants. I am of the opinion that everyone should wear them ... in the winter. But when the mercury parks anywhere north of 72, then all bets, along with my pants, are off. These lily-white, hairy calves need to be exposed to som...

Brian Matuszak
Brian Matuszak is a columnist for the Duluth Budgeteer News.

So let's celebrate pants.

I am of the opinion that everyone should wear them ... in the winter. But when the mercury parks anywhere north of 72, then all bets, along with my pants, are off. These lily-white, hairy calves need to be exposed to some UV rays and turned into caramel-brown, hairy calves. It's the way of the Summer Matuszak.

For many years, I had a reliable stable of short pantaloons that saw me through every single warm, sunny Northland summer day. In other words, two pairs. But then, Al Gore came along with his global warming hysteria, followed by the bombastic ridicules of Rush Limbaugh, and before you knew it, all that hot gas that was released into the earth's atmosphere created more warmer days, and soon I needed FOUR pairs of shorts to expose my legs to an unsuspecting public.

Now, I like shopping for short pants as much as I like shopping for long pants, which is to say, not at all, but I couldn't put it off any longer. In addition to the extra days of hot weather, I had lost a few pounds a couple summers back and so the two pairs of shorts that I DID own were pulling a Paul Simon and slip slidin' away. Of course, it didn't help that I was cramming my pockets full of the "can't leave home without 'em" trio of wallet, keys, and cell phone, which caused my extra baggy shorts to head south faster than Illinois tourists escaping Wisconsin. It got so bad I resorted to buying a purse, but I had a hard time coming up with a masculine way to refer to it. I tried Daddy Duffle, but couldn't get my family to go along with it without snickering, and Man Bag nearly got me arrested when I yelled it too loud in Lincoln Park. But then I found salvation hanging on a clearance rack at Target: cargo shorts!

Do you know about this wonderful pant product? Cargo shorts are riddled with more hidden crevices than any Duluth street, and all my summer accoutrements fit comfortably in the ring of pockets that encircle my upper thighs. I can even carry extra stuff now, like snacks and GPS units and autographed copies of The Budgeteer News (just in case). It's fantastic, and a lifesaver. No more man purse! No more low riders! No more tickets for lewd and lascivious behavior! And as soon as we get our next warm summer day in Duluth, I'll put 'em on and load 'em up.

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My calves will see you around August 23rd.

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is trying to break Lake Superior Swim Club coach Bill Punyko's record of holding a phone, a wallet, three sets of keys, deodorant, a container of doggy treats, and dental floss in his cargo shorts.

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