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Brian Matuszak column: Driving Miss Kaylee

So Kaylee is only 14, which means she can't drive yet. While that may sound like a good thing, especially if you think a teenager behind the wheel of a car ranks only slightly behind a flying spider the size of a hubcap in terms of horrifying, co...

Brian Matuszak

So Kaylee is only 14, which means she can't drive yet.

While that may sound like a good thing, especially if you think a teenager behind the wheel of a car ranks only slightly behind a flying spider the size of a hubcap in terms of horrifying, consider this: It also means that her mom and I have to transport her everywhere. And by "everywhere," I mean EVERYWHERE. Believe me, this kid has far too many places to be.

School? I suppose, although home schooling does sound appealing on frigid February mornings when even Jack Frost has to wear a second scarf. Golf practice? It's only May, there's still two feet of snow on the ground. The mall? Why!? What could a teenage girl possibly want to do at the mall? I tell you, Sue and I are going up and down the hill so much, we have officially changed our names to Jack and Jill.

This year, Kaylee started ninth grade, which means we had to start bringing her to an entirely different building: the high school. The inconvenience never ends!

Not only did I have to learn a whole new route, I had to discover an entirely different drop-off/pick-up system. Five years of chauffeuring the child to and from the middle school and I had finally learned where all the best parking spots were (next to a shady grove of pine trees, a moss-covered bike rack, and snow piles that also don't melt until August), and I also had the timing down so I knew exactly when the lot was going to be crawling with things that are huge, yellow, and have two rows of Finns (oh, wait, those are Esko school buses, never mind).

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Plus, the staff had finally started to recognize me so the authorities weren't notified every time I got there early and sat alone outside the school, checking Facebook on my phone. But that's all over now that we've started hauling her to a different school building. (Well, not the Facebook part. I have too many cute cat pictures that still need posting.)

Yes, we'll be glad when Kaylee finally gets her license and can start hauling us around town. The thrift shop, the orthotic device store, K-Mart -- we won't really need to go to any of these embarrassing places but we'll make her take us there anyway. It'll be payback for all the transportation we have provided over the years.

And if you think keeping a running tab of running the child around is not appropriate parental behavior, then you don't want to see the invoice I'll be presenting to her as a graduation gift in three years.

Hey, don't judge; it'll give her an incentive to land a high-paying job. And a car with good gas mileage.

We'll need that to outrun the flying spiders.

Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is up for Father of the Year in his own mind.

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