So if you hadn't heard, we just had an election. I don't know how you could have possibly missed it, unless you live in some remote, dank, dark place, like a cave. Or Proctor. Either way, you need to turn off the karaoke machine and pay attention.
And this past election was certainly exciting. I haven't heard that much innuendo, half-truths and name-calling since my last high school reunion. But what does any of this have to do with this week's column, you ask? Well, in my ongoing effort to remain topical and fresh, my subject this week was going to be the Macarena, but that didn't pan out. (I was practicing my dance moves at the Holiday Center and accidentally flagged down a Superior bus.)
Instead, I decided to focus on the aforementioned election. However, much like Duluth City Council President Linda Krug's gavel, I was soon banging myself out of order.
You see, these columns have to be written well in advance of the date you actually see them in print. The main reason the Budgeteer editors have this policy in place is for fact-checking and to remove all cuss words. (You'd think those $#@%! would believe me when I say I'm more handsome than Larry #%#@*&%!! Weber!) And the deadline for my election column was two days before the election. Problem was, I had already finished it and didn't really have time to write and submit an entirely new one. ("Say Yes to the Dress" ain't gonna Netflix itself.) Fortunately, I discovered a simple solution. Couple of tweaks here, a strategically placed backslash there and voila! An election column that satisfies everyone from all sides of the political spectrum. Unless you're from Proctor. There's just no pleasing you people until "Friends in Low Places" comes up on the karaoke request list.
So how about that election earlier this week? Wow, talk about (crazy/totally expected). I (didn't think/always knew) that the (winner/loser) was going to (win/lose). I couldn't be more (ecstatic/devastated). I mean, let's face it. (Washington insiders/Tea Party WhooHoos) aren't known for their grasp of (the issues/reality). I sense (big change/more of the same stink) in the air! I also remain (blessedly optimistic/endlessly cynical) about our government. I think (working together/tossing up more roadblocks than I-35 in July) will go a long way toward filling us all with (blissfully unaware satisfaction/teeth-gnashing repulsion) toward our elected officials. Therefore, to all the winning candidates, I say (congratulations/burn in hell) and I'd like to leave you now with these words of wisdom that I firmly believe pertain to each and every one of our elected politicians:
ADVERTISEMENT
(We're screwed./We're screwed.)
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com . He would like to apologize to everyone in Proctor about the karaoke jokes. He is fully aware that their love of polkas and Pabst Blue Ribbon is much funnier.
