Dear Abby:
My boyfriend of two years, "Marc," has been talking a lot about marriage lately. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him. There is, however, one fly in the ointment: I was born a biological male.
I have never felt like a man, Abby. I have lived as a woman since high school, and when I was 25, underwent surgery to change my sex. I have never regretted my decision and, up until now, my family has always been supportive.
As I have always been a woman in every way that matters, I have never seen any reason to tell any man I've dated that I was born with male genitalia. My brother recently asked me if I had told Marc about my surgery and was shocked to learn that I had not.
He implored me to tell Marc, but I feel that my past is completely irrelevant to our relationship today. My brother thinks that I am obligated to confess to Marc, and he has threatened to tell him if I don't.
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Marc loves me and would support me no matter what, but I have left my past behind me, and I feel no reason to needlessly disturb our relationship. How do I convince my brother to let this go?
-- At a Loss in New York
Dear At a Loss:
Although you may not think that the fact that you are a transsexual is relevant, it is presumptuous to think that you can speak for Marc. He needs to know the whole truth, and to keep it from him could constitute fraud. You did not mention whether he is planning on having children with you, and, loving him as you do, you need to be fair to him.
A marriage that is based on a lie is no marriage at all. It would always hang over you, and surely there are many others besides your brother who know about your sex change. My advice is to tell Marc everything before someone else does. Your future with him could depend upon his hearing the news from you -- and nobody else but you.
Dear Abby:
I have read your column since I was in high school, and I want to share the results of one of your columns from the past.
I remember reading on Mother's Day and Father's Day that the best way to honor your parents is to write them a letter telling them why you love them. My father passed away suddenly last week from a heart attack. He was 59 years old. My father had saved a letter that I wrote him in 1996 telling him why I loved him, which I found late last week. I read it at the memorial service as a tribute to what a wonderful person and parent he was.
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I want to thank you for that advice, Abby, as reading that letter was the most difficult thing I have ever done. However, it was the best way possible to honor my father.
-- Jim R., Pleasant Hill, Calif.
Dear Jim:
Please accept my deepest sympathy for the unexpected loss of your father. Thank you for writing to reinforce for me and my readers the importance of saying what is in our hearts while the people we love are still around and able to understand what we are saying. Carpe diem!
Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
