In these perilous times for America, Minnesota primary voters Tuesday cast their lot with military hero Gen. Apathy, who garnered a landslide 86 percent of the vote, including 83 percent right here in the Twin Ports.
Advancing to the November election alongside Apathy was DFL gubernatorial candidate Mike Hatch, who received votes from about 6.7 percent of all eligible voters. He will compete with Republican incumbent Tim Pawlenty, who won a whopping 4.1 percent of the eligible vote. In spite of the imbalance, however, some political observers believe that we are in for a donnybrook this fall.
General Apathy's brother, Whozi, who also serves as his political adviser, said he expects that the advertising campaigns of the other candidates will work in Apathy's favor. "By the time Hatch and Pawlenty finish chewing each other up, nobody will want to come within 20 feet of either one of them."
State Sen. Becky Lourey, DFL-Kerrick, challenging Hatch for the liberal vote in the DFL primary, managed to garner only 2.1 percent from the lunatic fringe. Hatch voters said, "We like Becky, but not this time. We want to win too much."
Whozi Apathy said that the general's campaign of continuous TV re-runs and a big bowl of corn chips on every coffee table swung the election in his direction. "Voters may be lazy, but they aren't dumb. In most precincts, they can't even get a free cup of coffee. Our platform requires no effort and keeps them fat and happy. It's a sure winner."
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If there were any doubt, look no further than the DFL attorney general primary. Laurie Swanson, the state's solicitor general under Attorney General Hatch, was a political unknown. However, she edged former Congressman Bill Luther and the liberals' darling, former gubernatorial candidate Steve Kelley, simply by getting all of her friends, relatives and co-workers to the polls.
Kelley won the DFL endorsement a few weeks ago, after the original endorsed candidate, Matt Entenza, withdrew amid scandal. The attorney general election results reveal that a DFL endorsement will bring a candidate the backing of about 3.4 percent of eligible voters. Swanson cruised to the nomination with 3.8 percent.
Political pundit Watts A. Politician said that it has become obvious that Gen. Apathy is unbeatable. Politician thinks the system needs to be fixed. "Either the precinct caucus or the primary election should be eliminated," Politician said, "Not that many more people turn out for the primary than for the caucus; it's the same people, and it requires them essentially to vote twice. It plays right into Gen. Apathy's campaign strategy."
The Independence Party's Peter Hutchinson is also in the mix this fall, but he needed the other parties to join the lunatic fringe. It didn't happen, and the vote revealed that the center of the political spectrum is film thin. Hutchinson got only 0.2 percent of eligible voters. General Apathy reigns supreme among moderates and independents.
Politician thought Gov. Pawlenty would do better because of the booming economy, falling gasoline prices and the state's fiscal health, which saw him make hard choices four years ago, thus bringing the state coffers back from a $4.8 billion deficit to a budget surplus.
However, just as conservative voters were thinking about setting aside the pretzels and heading to the polls for Pawlenty, the evening news came on announcing the latest prolifieration of potholes in Iraq. That was followed by another story announcing that FEMA vans were finally getting close to New Orleans and that most Cajuns would be resettled before the next presidential election. Even though Pawlenty was not mentioned in either story, most voters popped a beer and cast their lot with Gen. Apathy.
Reached at his palatial retreat near Brimson, Gen. Apathy said, "I give the voters what they want, which is nothing. That's why they go with me. If any of the other candidates gave them something -- you know, like hope -- I could be in trouble. But after this primary election, I'm confident that I'll do well come November."
Politician responded to the general's remarks by saying, "This could be the end of democracy as we know it."
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However, Whozi Apathy said in a tersely worded press release, "Who cares?"
Tom West is the editor and publisher of the Budgeteer News. He may be reached by telephone at 723-1207 or by e-mail at twest@duluthbudgeteer.com .
