I read with great interest and complete understanding Brandon Stahl's series of stories about Sasha, the young boy from Ukraine ("No place for Sasha," Jan. 7, "End of Sasha's second chance," Jan. 8, and "Running out of answers," Jan. 9).
Many people, including the writers of several letters to the editor in the News Tribune this month, wonder why a newspaper would report on such a personal thing. As the parent of three children through adoption -- two of whom suffer, like Sasha, from reactive attachment disorder, or RAD -- I understand the need for articles such as these.
We also have had a disrupted adoption due to severe RAD and behaviors we could not parent. Reading Sasha's story was eerily familiar. We fully believe in commitment to our children; when one child threatened others, we knew something had to change. If a biological child (and we have two) had exhibited the same behaviors, our decision would have been the same. Our disrupted child is still a part of our family. He still visits us and we have him in our home for respite occasionally. He just simply cannot be in a family setting.
We did not walk into any of our adoptions wide-eyed and sure that love would conquer all. Love doesn't do it all. We have been prepared with services at hand and therapists waiting to assist us. Yet some children are so damaged there is little hope they can live in a family environment. That does not mean they do not love or do not deserve love. Instead, it means they may have to live in an institution or home where there is less emphasis on family dynamics and more on preparing them for adulthood.
This is not meant to discourage people from adopting through the foster-care system. In fact, Sasha did not come from the foster-care system, but from an orphanage in Ukraine.
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What articles such as these mean to do is educate, inform and broaden people's knowledge base.
It takes a special parenting style to work through RAD issues. The child with RAD cannot be parented as a neuro-normal child would be parented. Training and support are required. Setbacks, trial-and-error, and a whole lot of patience and prayer are expected.
Sasha's whole life showed him adults cannot be trusted. If he did trust one, eventually that adult left him, either physically or emotionally. Sasha added another "I can't trust in adults" notch to his belt. After so many years of this, he learned to depend on himself for nearly every basic need, and he does not know how to behave differently. He truly has no idea what it means to be part of a "family."
Sometimes, it's not a matter of love, therapy, assurance and time.
Sometimes, such as in Sasha's case, it's simply too late.
Mary Weaver of Underwood, Minn., was adopted, has five children, is licensed to offer foster care and works from home as a writer.
