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Rubber Chicken Scratchings: Whether the weather be cold, whether the weather be hot...

So I saw the News Tribune headline earlier this week that 2010 was supposedly the fifth warmest year in Duluth's history, or at least the fifth warmest since they've started keeping records.

So I saw the News Tribune headline earlier this week that 2010 was supposedly the fifth warmest year in Duluth's history, or at least the fifth warmest since they've started keeping records.

At first, I wasn't sure who "they" were, or where these "records" were even kept, but I was confident that the statistic was still accurate. After all, "they" wouldn't lie to us, would they?

Then I saw an anonymous posting on the Duluth Citizens Blog -- the slogan of which should be "With monikers like 'Screwed by Scum' and 'Muffin Top,' you know we know what we're talking about!" -- and I soon realized the truth: Of course "they" would lie to us!

Apparently "they" belong to a secret cabal (the worst kind of cabal!) of liberal meteorologists who get together every month to make up phony facts and figures about the weather in order to advance their global warming agenda -- as well as other goofball green ideas, like "recycling" and "alternative energy sources."

This left-wing group is led by George Kessler, and they hole up in that big, funny-lookin' white ball up on Highway 53. You know the one: it's sort of out by that car wash that eats parts off your truck. (Slogan: "Soapy objects in mirror are hungrier than they appear.")

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Turns out these weather wackos are bored silly because of all the happy talk they have to engage in with the TV news anchors. To make up for it, they go nuts once a month and release these totally fabricated stories about Northland weather.

Thinking back on it, my suspicions were first raised when that story came out a few years back about the average June temperature for Duluth being 71 degrees ... 71 degrees? When has it ever been 71 degrees in Duluth?

I don't even put my winter parka away until the Fourth of July, for goodness sake -- and the long underwear stays out year-round, just in case. (My wife would rather I didn't leave them draped over the furniture, but it helps air them out. Plus, it keeps the cats off the ottoman.)

Then I started to recall those other insane stories that start to show up in late January, about how you can hammer a nail with a banana that's been kept outside in Super Dave Anderson's garage, or how a cup of boiling water that is tossed outside will freeze before it gets to [GUESS WHO]'s toupee.

I'm sorry, but I've lived here all my life, and the only frozen thing I can remember on WDIO is Collin Ventrella's face when he was told Barbara Reyelts might be joining the five o'clock news team.

In fact, I heard the real reason Pat Kelly got out of the weather business altogether was that he couldn't keep delivering those wacky stories with a straight face. In an effort to get his credibility back, he started delivering the news for KDLH.

Bottom line: Don't believe everything you read or see in the local media, especially as it pertains to the weather. It's all a bunch of lies and guesses and conspiracy theories.

From now on, I'm relying solely on the Duluth Citizens Blog for my information. I mean, they wouldn't lie about Don Ness and Jim Oberstar teaming up to funnel money into a secret underground zombie facility located beneath the Peace Bell at Enger Tower in order to combat greenhouse gases and the war on Christmas.

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At least, that's what "Pudknocker" says....

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February of 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre and founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and he used to work at KBJR, where he met George Kessler, Super Dave Anderson and Barbara Reyelts. They are all very nice people, and when Barbara tells him to jump, he still asks, "How high?"

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