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Brian didn't win the lottery

So three different people purchased winning Powerball tickets a few weeks back and they split that mega-huge $500 million jackpot. Since you're reading this, I'm assuming none of them were you. I mean, why waste your time on free stuff like the B...

Brian Matuszak

So three different people purchased winning Powerball tickets a few weeks back and they split that mega-huge $500 million jackpot. Since you're reading this, I'm assuming none of them were you. I mean, why waste your time on free stuff like the Budgeteer when you could afford swanky periodicals like "Gold-Plated Commodes Quarterly" or "Better-Than-You Homes and Gardens?"

I also know it wasn't you because you're smarter than that. You wouldn't waste two bucks on a kazillion-to-one shot like the lottery when you could just as easily toss your cash out into the Duluth streets and possibly fix a pothole. That's being more responsible with your money than buying a lottery ticket.

Or is it?

There's something to be said for buying a chance to dream. Sure, you can dream for free but unless you're Dorothy heading to Oz, where's the fun in that? No, the pleasure in fantasizing about the first thing you'd buy with all your newfound winnings comes from the chance that, once you have that ticket in hand, it could actually happen. Sure, the odds of it occurring are the same as a Michele Bachmann presidency - microscopic and hilarious - but they're real, nonetheless.

Once that jackpot hit $100 million, it finally became interesting to our family and we purchased a single ticket every time there was a new drawing. As the jackpot slowly grew, so did our Newfound Winnings Wish List. Certain members of this family wanted to buy a new truck; others desired a lavish vacation. I was the only sensible one and had eBay plans drawn up for a set of personalized chocolate-covered Star Wars action figures. Surprisingly, I was in the minority on that one.

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Also surprisingly, we never won. We didn't even come close. I think we matched one number one time which, coupled with a nickel, gets you a nickel and a wasted slip of paper. Empires aren't built on that, however, so we will have to bide our time until the next giant jackpot rolls around when we can start dreaming again.

Until then, we'll obtain our money the old-fashioned way: digging coins out of the davenport and playing bingo at the casino. And before my excited shriek of "B-I-N-G-O" reverberates off the Fond-du-Luth walls, I'll have my order placed for a 7-foot tall, dark chocolate Chewbacca.

Just like a responsible adult.

Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and invites you to follow him and his theater company on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater, like them on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater, and visit their website at www.RubberChickenTheater.com . He’d also like his accountant to know that when he does finally win the lottery, he won’t really waste the money on foolish trinkets. Instead, he’s going to sink it into smart investments like Superior Ice Wall Glue or self-published books about writing in the third person.

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