Swift: Nowadays, you can be convicted of disorganized crime
Organization is the new thin.
Think about it. Organization is a 4 gobtrillion-dollar industry, what with professional organizers, thousands of organizing products and all sorts of best-selling books on the topic. I hear there is also an international society for professional organizers called WOO (World Organization Organization).
Likewise, disorganization is the new way to shame and judge people. Do you not have an 11- by 17-inch, 4,000-page Passion Planner, which is embedded with a mini-micro nanoplanner that keeps track of vital information such as the serial number of every valuable in your home, an allergy inventory of all the kids in your children's class (in case you need to bring treats), the optimal bowel movement schedule for the dog; the number of grains of fish food to keep your daughter's goldfish, Mr. McOrangerson, in peak swimming condition; the carb counts of every meal you intend to eat in 2018; the flight schedule of every US airline; the numbers for everything from the Poison Control Hotline to the International Partnership for Nuclear Disarmament and the shoe size of your mail carrier?
Is your spice rack alphabetized and organized according to color, texture, purchase date, origin of cultivation and thermogenic effects?
Have all the spices been removed from their tacky plastic bottles and placed in identical, organically blown, decorative glass jars that have been meticulously labeled in Sofia font with the miniature label maker you keep inside your pocketbook for just such occasions? I mean, what if there wasn't a system and you couldn't find the paprika? The PAPRIKA, people! Mass chaos would ensue.
Do you own no fewer than 45 fabric bins, and do you have a bin for the aforementioned bins? Are your belts appropriately suspended from a belt tree, rather than left in a shameful pile of slothful incompetence on the floor?
Do you get Google Alerts for "Marie Kondo?"
Are your i's dotted, your beans counted and your ducks aligned?
Do you have an app that keeps track of what you're doing every seven minutes so you can maximize productivity?
Have you started a spreadsheet to compare potential grad schools for your toddler? I mean, he's not going to be 3 forever.
If so, we hope you are balancing these day-to-day obligations with measurable steps toward larger life goals, such as launching an International Panda Rescue, learning how to levitate and becoming the winningest competitor in the Spartan Death Race.
If you're not living up to this, well, shame on you. No offense, but you are a complete failure.
At least, you are according to the expectations and laws of What It Takes To Be a Perfect Person Who Looks Perfectly Perfect. You know what they say. I file, therefore I am.
Don't get me wrong. The world does need organization. Life is actually incredibly hard if you can't find things, show up on time or have some day-to-day systems in place.
Imagine a street system designed by a loosey-goosey, caftan-wearing right brainer who believes "time is just an illusion, man." There would be unicorn crossings everywhere, the streets would be as convoluted as spaghetti and all the avenues would be named after Strawberry Shortcake characters.
At the same time, I don't like the idea that our modern lives are so overbooked that we need to function with robotic precision.
Or that people who may be a little less organized should be subjected to shame and shouldism. After all, it's unlikely anyone will want their tombstone to say: "She sure was organized."
But if she does, you can bet she purchased the gravestone 20 years in advance.
Readers can reach columnist Tammy Swift at firstname.lastname@example.org.