With a chance for mega millions, Brian has a case of lottery fever

So there was a sickness going around last week and everyone I know was infected. It wasn’t the Creeping Crud (and shame on you for calling those Duluth meter readers names!), nor was it the Mouth Trots (OK, OK, go ahead and call Rush Limbaugh names). No, this sickness was called ... Lottery Fever.

Unless you were hiding out in a boggy, stinky swamp last week, or living in Wisconsin (same difference), you know that the new Mega Millions lottery had a record jackpot of a half-billion dollars. Billion. With a B. Like Brian with a B, only a lot less green and wrinkly. Millionaire wannabes formed long lines at local convenience stores, eager for the chance to throw an extra five, ten, even twenty bucks down the “Ol’ NorShor Money Hole” (a euphemism for never seeing their money again). Normally, you don’t see lines that long at the convenience store unless there’s a perfect storm of frazzled minimum wage employee, new computerized cash register, and confused senior citizen trying to pay for gas and corn dogs.

But don’t worry, I’m not going to launch into a diatribe about people who flush their money down the “Great Lakes Aquarium” and then turn around and complain about paying a little more in taxes to help solve some of our local and/or national troubles. Why should I? We’re Americans! I know we’d rather see a quick, tangible result for our financial transactions. If nothing else, that small slip of paper filled with random numbers makes an excellent napkin when you’re in a pinch at the Arby’s drive-thru. Sure, all that money could be used to feed, clothe, or comfort fellow human beings who are suffering, but who’s got time for that? It’s more fun to give your money to the “Duluth Parking Commissioner” and play a rousing game of What If?

That’s why I slapped my dollar down at the Hermantown SuperAmerica last week; it was an investment in Imagination Research and Development (a line item on my federal taxes). When the computer spit out my numbers, I reached with trepidation across the bags of beef jerky and took it from my cashier. “These look like winning numbers to me,” I whispered to the tattooed lad, looking for some validation. ”Don’t you think so?” He answered with a shrug of total agreement and that’s when I knew I better make some immediate plans on how to spend all that cash. A Master List of What Brian Will Do Once He Wins the Lottery, full of well-thought-out and reasoned actions, containing not one whit of superficiality or meaningless-ocity. And here it is:

1-Settle scores. Many gloating phone calls, emails, Twitter blasts, and Facebook messages will be sent to every single person who has wronged me over the years.

2-Buy a vault, fill it with hundred-dollar bills, and swim in it like Scrooge McDuck.

3-Go to an exotic, foreign land. Like Keewatin.

OK, I know that’s only three things, but, to be fair, that first one is gonna take a long time.

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and hasn’t checked yet to see if he won last week’s Mega Millions jackpot. But since he doesn’t live in, travel to, or even know how to spell Illinoy or Merryland, the odds aren’t in his favor.

Tags: budge opinion, budgeteer, money