Valentine's Day coupons from BrianSo, Valentine’s Day. If you’re a guy, it’s safe to say you didn’t get something lame for your significant other — not because you know what you’re doing, but because you didn’t get ANYTHING for your significant other yet!
By: Brian Matuszak, for the Duluth Budgeteer News
So, Valentine’s Day. If you’re a guy, it’s safe to say you didn’t get something lame for your significant other — not because you know what you’re doing, but because you didn’t get ANYTHING for your significant other yet! You’re a guy! But don’t worry, Brian is here to help all of you lame gifters (including girls) with some easy-to-use Valentine coupons that anyone in need of a last-minute gift for your sweetie can clip out and use. Well, almost anyone. And almost any sweetie.
Clip out YOUR Valentine coupon below if you’re …
Good for one token opposition in the election of your choice.
-Minnesota Republican voters
Let’s play dress-up! I’ll become the naughty Republican of your choice!
(Due to sheer volume, coupon bearer must be specific in choice
of naughty Republican.)
Buy one vowel, get one free.(Oops, looks like Chip has already redeemed this one.)
-Twin Ports white people
Redeem this coupon for one full face-rubbing.
-Fond-du-Luth Casino and the City of Duluth
This coupon good for one more month of “Let’s pretend.”
-Duluth School Board
The answer is YES! (This is one of those dirty-fantasy coupons ...)
-Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter/Twilight fans
Redeem this coupon for one life.
-Minnesota Vikings fans
Redeem this coupon for one win (also a fantasy coupon).
-WDSM radio talk show host Brad Bennett
Pucker Up! Let’s use those lips for something other than mangling, mashing, and murdering poor defenseless words such as “Roger Reinert,” “statistical,” and “hoarfrost.”
-Mitt Romney and/or Newt Gingrich
Good for one long, luxurious bubble bath after the mudslinging party.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and he would like to apologize to the Budgeteer editor for all the deletion smudges on his column when he handed it in this week but he didn’t notice them as he was composing it. You see, it’s hard to see erasism when you write.