Brian’s End-of-the-Year-Best-of-Worst-of-Annual-Wrap-up column

• Matuszak

Matuszak

Talk about it

So, 2011 is over and if you blinked, you missed it. If you blinked while nodding your head, you may have been mistaken for Barbara Eden. But even if you didn’t blink OR nod your head OR mistakenly send Dr. Bellows back to the Wild West, 2011 is still over. Seeing as I still have one column left to write this year and not a ton of time available in which to write it (I’m whipping up a batch of figgy pudding to bring to those #@!$! carolers on my front lawn so they’ll leave), I better dig out that musty chestnut of a column idea, and do an End-of-the-Year-Best-Of-Worst-Of-Annual-Wrap-up Column. See if our choices match! (If they do, you need to make an appointment to see Dr. Bellows immediately.)

BEST MOVIE I SAW: OK, I was real busy this year (writing columns, combing hair pieces, paying fines for combing hair pieces that weren’t on my head, etc.) and I didn’t get to any movies. However, I did catch part of “Caddyshack” on The Golf Channel last night when I was flipping around. So, “Caddyshack.”

BEST BOOK I READ THIS YEAR: Do magazines count? If so, the rack at Pure Pleasure in Hermantown has my vote. And the place where they keep the magazines ain’t too bad either. (Ha cha cha cha!)

BEST NON SEQUITUR OF THE YEAR: So I told her, “Spit out the cat and I’ll give you your dollar back.”

BEST COMMERCIAL JINGLE THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN’T: Have a great time out at Fond-du-Luth.

BEST NORTHERN MINNESOTA TOWN NAME THAT SOUNDS DIRTY BUT ISN’T: Pengilly

BEST NORTHERN MINNESOTA TOWN NAME THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AND IS ACTUALLY DIRTY: Ball Club

BEST TITLE IN A YEAR-END WRAP-UP COLUMN HEADING: Best Title in a Year-End Wrap-Up Column Heading

WORST SECRET I ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED THIS YEAR: That wasn’t the dog.

SECOND-WORST SECRET I ACCIDENTALLY REVEALED THIS YEAR: Soylent Green is human.

BEST UNIDENTIFIABLE FOOD PRODUCT FOUND IN MY FRIDGE: It was either a tub of 1989 tuna fish salsa, or Pruney Eggs from last year’s Slovakian Christmas Celebration. Either way, it was fine after I shaved it.

BEST USE OF A SEMICOLON: A bear did his business in the woods; the Duluth News Tribune put the bear’s Number Two on their Page One.

BEST USE OF A COLON: The clenching that occurred during Act One of the September DSSO performance (this was right after the Unidentifiable Food Product Found In My Fridge debacle.)

BEST ADVICE I RECEIVED AFTER THE FACT: Don’t eat anything out of the fridge that you have to shave.

BEST BUDGETEER COLUMNIST: Duh.

BEST USE OF AN EXCLAMATION POINT: Larry Weber!

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and looks forward to the challenges of 2012, as long as they don’t include the end of the world. He just got his truck washed.

Tags: budge columnist, budgeteer