Rubber Chicken Scratchings: There is no Brian column this week — here’s whyNo worries. Instead of a "normal" column, Brian just serves up an "anti-column."
By: Brian Matuszak, Budgeteer News
So I won’t be doing my Budgeteer column this week. It’s not that I’m lazy (although that cushion-y ledge that has formed near the top of “Dirty Laundry Mountain” is looking extra cushion-y this morning). It’s not that I have better things to do (although my collection of recently obtained “Cravaack for Congress” lawn signs aren’t going to sort themselves).
And it’s not that I don’t have any ideas for this week ... oh, wait a minute; that’s exactly the reason. See, I sat down last weekend and racked my brain to try and come up with an idea for this week’s column. (By the way, if you have never racked your brain, I seriously recommend it. I know it sounds like it would hurt, but it was weirdly pleasurable, like watching George Kessler’s beard.)
I couldn’t come up with a single topic that I felt like exploring — with the exception of George Kessler’s beard, but that would probably get me some jail time — so I decided to ask several people around me for some column ideas.
Here is a sampling of some of the responses that I received, many of which are not made up:
My daughter, Kaylee: “Do a column about a dad who shows up at his daughter’s swim meets and gives her brilliant advice like ‘Swim more faster!’ and cracks hilarious jokes like ‘How wet is the water today?’ That would be your best column ever.” But she didn’t seem honestly enthused about those ideas. I think she was tired from her last meet, where the water was exceedingly wet. Ha!
My wife, Sue: “How about a column where a husband is actually thoughtful, and does things to help around the house, like tackling some laundry?” That didn’t seem very funny to me. I told her to think about it some more and get back to me after she got dinner on the table and hauled my Beanie Babies up to the attic.
Jeno Paulucci: “Here’s a gut-busting idea, and, no, I’m not talking about a Michelina frozen entrée! I come out on stage and sing ‘The Im-pasta-ble Dream’ to the tune of ‘The Impossible Dream’ and then, for a finale, I actually un-screw somebody!”
I should point out that Jeno never actually said this, as far as I know. If I don’t make that clarification, he might send an attorney after me again. (That is actually true: Jeno did come after me once for a sketch I wrote. Hey, that would make a great column! But not this week….)
Mayor Don Ness: “Ooh, ooh, I know — you should do a column about me checking out the NorShor now that the city owns it and some of the super-cool things I find hidden in the deep, dark bowels of the building as I crawl around in the dusty depths! Neat-o stuff like Charlie Chaplin’s cane, Stan Laurel’s bowler hat, Eric Ringsred’s soul and gallons and gallons of Dippity Doo!”
I think he was joking when he told me this, although I did notice he had scuff marks on the knees of his dungarees.
Barack Obama: “I have always been partial to the observational humor. For instance, did you ever notice how many times Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh blamed Clinton for all of the problems facing President George W. Bush’s administration — but when I point out how several of the challenges I have had to face were passed on to me by President George W. Bush, those same pundits cry foul? That is humorous.”
I don’t know, is it? Honestly, I stopped listening after he said “partial.”
Random guy on the street: “Have you thought about George Kessler’s beard?”
All the time….
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theater and Rubber Chicken Theater. He would like to wish his beautiful wife Sue a happy birthday this weekend. She has been with him for more than half of his life now, and he is getting the better end of that deal. Guaranteed.