Rubber Chicken Scratchings: Brian dumps on academia ... his uncle ... LakewalkBrian gets random ... see what's ruffled his feathers this week!
By: Brian Matuszak, Budgeteer News
You smell that? No, not the stink coming from the Cravaack and Oberstar camps (although I do love the smell of a newly opened package of hostility).
I’m talking about the scent that accompanies a new column of Brian’s random thoughts: the reek of familiarity, with just a hint of baby powder and tequila.
Let’s light a match and get to the randomness!
• I had a chip in my cravaack once. I wore a long coat and nobody noticed.
• Little known fact: “Dancing with the Stars” was originally going to be called “Sort of Rhythmic Moving with People Who Have a Tenuous Grasp at Best for Being Labeled Stars,” but that name was already copyrighted by the Statler Brothers.
• If I had the opportunity to invite three famous dead people to dinner, I would hesitate because I don’t know how I’d get the grave dirt out of my upholstery.
• A bird in the hand may be worth two in the bush, but what if I have three of them in my gym bag? What could I get for that, other than a misdemeanor?
• While it’s not technically illegal, I’d think twice about taking off your shirt, squatting on the deck railing at Mexico Lindo in Fitger’s and screeching like a seagull. It doesn’t get the waiter’s attention any faster.
• If one more person gives me an ultimatum, I quit.
• In this highly charged political atmosphere, it’s nice to have the voice of reason that is Lew Latto on our local radio airwaves. Now if he’d only wear his pants of reason.
• In a pinch, creamy Twinkie filling is a great substitute for shampoo.
• Roger Reinert should just change his name to Roger Reinhart. It would save the on-air staff at WDSM a lot of trouble.
• Why look at the lake when you can experience a bright, garish, neon Amsoil Arena sign? Besides, if you want to look at a huge body of shimmering dampness, turn on Rush Limbaugh’s Ditto Cam.
• “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” shouldn’t be required in the military, but it should be required around my uncle Bart. Especially when it comes to the subject of bunions.
• You mean to tell me we have three universities in this community, and not one of them is researching how many licks it takes to get to the Tootsie Roll center of a Tootsie Pop? I suppose I’ll ask the folks at the Saratoga. Again.
• I gotta go. Brett Favre just texted me. I told him I need a new photo for my Budgeteer column and he said he’d send me a few head shots.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February of 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre and founder of Rubber Chicken Theater. Join him at The Shack on Halloween night for an authentic radio recreation of “War of the Worlds,” in conjunction with KUWS. Orson Welles and Martians in Superior. That’s a Halloween party, baby!