Rubber Chicken Scratchings: Random thoughts from Brian’s head (Scary or insightful? You decide.)

I have had a few thoughts rattling around my head this week. Most involve Cheryl Ladd and, thus, are unprintable.

I can jot down a few of these random thoughts and put ’em in a column.

Why random thoughts? Because, hey, it works for Larry King in USA Today and for all you “Tweeters” out there. And for the strange guy at the Mount Royal Library who always needs to borrow my password so he can look up “medical illustrations.”

Anyway, without further ado, let’s give it a shot:

• Every sentence is made more exciting with exclamation points! Other punctuation I can live without (be honest, have you ever used a semicolon in your life?), but the exclamation point is the best! Honest!

• If I was having a nice Sunday brunch with Channel 10’s Denny Anderson, I get the feeling I would have to pick up the check — unless we were at the Village Inn in Virginia. Then, except for my special-order Belgian waffle with raspberry compote, I bet the entire meal would be comped.

• I think taxpayers need to quit whining and continue to pony up that $48,500 a year we owe Secret Service to run Bayfront Festival Park. It takes a lot of time and effort to keep a big, beautiful place like that so quiet and dark. Besides, if you are doing business as Secret Service, and the service you provide is a secret, what’s the problem?

• This random thought is one of my best. Why? Two exclamation points!!

• The best job I ever had was as an overnight DJ at KQDS. Hands down. I could play any song I wanted to (after the required ones from Led Zeppelin and the Beatles … and the new one by White Lion, of course). I could crank up the speakers, because there weren’t any dentists in their offices at 2:30 a.m. Best of all, there weren’t any general managers, sales managers or office staff to bug me. I was all alone and free, baby!

Oh, sure, there was that scary production studio right off the main studio where the ghost of Jim Morrison was staring at me through dead, soulless eyes. But if I never looked over there, I would never have to deal with that.

Plus, I could put on “Kashmir” and walk to the Little Store, nuke a bean burrito, pound it down with a 20-ouncer of RC Cola and be back in plenty of time to cue up some Bruce Springsteen on the turntable and get ready to travel down “Jungle Road.” Best. Job. Ever.

• If you, Gary Doty and the Sham Wow guy were stranded on a desert island, who would be the first to bring up the “when we run out of food, should we eat each other” discussion?

• You won’t catch me complaining that the South St. Louis County Fair is so early this year. I love the smell of wet Proctor cows in the morning. Smells like victory. And high school.

• If it weren’t frowned upon by society, I would marry my Wisconsin Dells backscratcher. I love it that much.

• Some rejected Culvers custard flavors: “Bacon & Cream,” “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Pecan” and “Wet Proctor Cow.”

• If a tree fell on Forrest Gump, would he make a sound?

• I love her to death, but Sandy Drag is a terrible TV news name. It sounds like a barge operation in the harbor: “After we get done with the Sandy Drag, the canal will be 6 inches lower.” If she were my client, I’d have her change it to Lil’ Denny Anderson. Who wouldn’t tune in to watch that? I know I sure would!!!!!!!