Articles
Brian Matuszak column: You can fool some of the people some of the time, except for your mother
So it’s Mother’s Day! Time to celebrate the only person willing to buy and wash your underwear, cook your oatmeal to the perfect consistency (mud), and then throw all your baseball cards into the trash while you’re out playing on the railroad tracks. Mom, I love you!
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Driving Miss Kaylee
So Kaylee is only 14, which means she can’t drive yet. That means that her mom and I have to transport her everywhere. And by “everywhere,” I mean EVERYWHERE.
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Bears, bingo, and Brian
So I cracked open my Cranium Column Cupboard in search of an idea for this week’s Budgeteer but, much like my continued hunt for spring, I found nothing.
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Fun words make for a fun life
So the city’s ongoing hullabaloo with the Fond-du-Luth Casino has gotten me to thinking about other ways to work the word “hullabaloo” into my daily conversations.
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Brian celebrates 150 Budgeteer columns. It’s g-r-r-r-r-re-eat!
So I was going through my highly detailed, painstakingly updated database of Budgeteer columns, and after counting up all the hastily scrawled notes on the backs of old Menards receipts and Blondie cartoons, I realized something momentous: This week’s column is Number 150!
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Spring is in the air, and so is the Home Show
So the mud is free-flowing, the insects are buzzing, and although you might think it’s election time already, those are actually signs of spring.
RELATED CONTENTColumn: Loose lips sink ships, Wade Stadium walls, and Brian’s hopes for a Chipotle in Duluth
So have you heard the latest rumor that’s covering Duluth like a bad Phil Johnson toupee?
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: It’s the end of the world as we know it, and as long as it’s zombies, Brian feels fine 
So I recently found myself driving along a dark, lonely Proctor road (the only kind of road there is in Proctor), and, as they often do, my thoughts soon turned to the apocalypse.
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: Random Thoughts for a random day
So it’s April Fool’s Day. April Fool! It’s only the middle of March. But that doesn’t mean we can’t have some foolish fun via a random thought or three.
RELATED CONTENTBrian Matuszak column: If she really wanted to, Mother Nature could take us all out
So remember back in June when Mother Nature was an irate Clubber Lang and smacked us around like a flabby Rocky Balboa? The clouds let loose and our region was crushed beneath a wet bulldozer of rain; roads were destroyed, restaurants were submerged, cats and dogs were living together. It was the The End of Days That Were Dry.
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Brian points out 2012 mistakes
A new year also means a fresh start. Time to wipe away all the mistakes of the past 365 days and start with a clean slate. Good news for the metamorphic rock industry because there were quite a few miscues last year.
RELATED CONTENTIt was not work to work for Hank Olson
So you know that scene near the end of “The Wizard of Oz” where Toto sticks his furry nose where it doesn’t belong (again), pulls aside a green curtain, and reveals that some ordinary guy is really the Great and Powerful Oz?
RELATED CONTENTThe Matuszak Olympics routine is almost over
So I’m lying in bed the other night, the Olympics playing in the background. I am nearing the end of my battle with the Sleep Patrol who are attempting to bring this summer day to a close, when I half-hear the announcer bleat out something about a gymnastics floor routine.
RELATED CONTENTDog days of summer can be fun AND sweat-free
So we’re smack dab into the dog days of summer, a seasonal period which got its name because it’s so hot, you act like a dog, lapping up water no matter where you find it or what you find floating in it.
RELATED CONTENTVirtual coupons give Brian a real-world headache
So you know that feeling you get when you are 100 percent satisfied with your dining and/or shopping experience at Twin Ports restaurants and/or department stores?
RELATED CONTENTBrian’s birthday wish: ‘Don’t be stupid.’
So it’s time for my annual summer decision. It’s not wondering what I should wear out in the blazing sun (one look at my foot tan should answer that one), or figuring out where I parked the kayak. No, the only big summer decision I have to make is “What do I want for my birthday this year?”
RELATED CONTENTBrian celebrates two years' worth of funny stuff
So it is the second anniversary of my panicked, last-minute, slapped together … uh, I mean, carefully planned out and crafted ... weekly columns for the Budgeteer News.
RELATED CONTENTBudgeteer columnist Brian Matuszak’s middle name is ‘Debacle’
I know it’s hard to believe, especially when you glance at my picture that accompanies this column, but I am not the smoothest operator when it comes to ... well, anything, really. When the chips are down, I tend to pick them up and, in a panicked state, shove them into my mouth and chew. I have been known to put the D in “debacle”, the SHUN in “humiliation”, and the DORK in “dork.”
RELATED CONTENTBrian’s End-of-the-Year-Best-of-Worst-of-Annual-Wrap-up column
So, 2011 is over and if you blinked, you missed it. If you blinked while nodding your head, you may have been mistaken for Barbara Eden. But even if you didn’t blink OR nod your head OR mistakenly send Dr. Bellows back to the Wild West, 2011 is still over. Seeing as I still have one column left to write this year and not a ton of time available in which to write it (I’m whipping up a batch of figgy pudding to bring to those #@!$! carolers on my front lawn so they’ll leave), I better dig out that musty chestnut of a column idea, and do an End-of-the-Year-Best-Of-Worst-Of-Annual-Wrap-up Column. See if our choices match! (If they do, you need to make an appointment to see Dr. Bellows immediately.)
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