Brian Matuszak column: Sport one of these Twin Ports costumes and win every Halloween contestSo it’s that special time of year when spooky ghouls and creepy zombies are conspiring with each other to unleash their horrifying plans to create a living nightmare for all of us.
So it’s that special time of year when spooky ghouls and creepy zombies are conspiring with each other to unleash their horrifying plans to create a living nightmare for all of us.
Then after Congress is done with those plans and takes its recess, it’s Halloween. Which means it’s time for me to let loose with my own special treat of a Halloween column.
Now I know what you’re thinking. “But every one of his columns gives me the heebie-jeebies. Why does he need to do anything special for this hair-raising holiday? And how can he even raise hair when he’s bald?”
Well, for your information, hurtful-person-sporting-highly-intelligent-
pantaloons, this isn’t a scary column at all. In fact, it’s designed to be helpful and assist you in picking out the best costume for those upcoming Halloween parties. But then again, you’re such a sarcastic person, I can’t imagine anyone would invite you to anything other than a sneering soiree.
”Hey, I’ve got friends! And they’re not imaginary, like the people you invent who have lengthy, extended, protracted, long-winded, convoluted, thesaurus-filled responses just so you can fill up column space.”
Touché. But I’m going to ignore that tedious, wordy, interminable, verbose, fake outburst and continue on with this, the Best Twin Ports Costume Ideas for 2013.
• When you arrive at the party, tell everyone you’re going to soar high into the sky, then plop down on the nearest available sofa and never get up. You’re a Balloon Festival.
• Turn off all your nonessential bodily functions, slap on some barricade pants, and, voila, you’re a Government Shutdown.
• Wanna be Jim Carlson? Slap on a fake beard, dig out your old Riff Raff from “Rocky Horror” costume, and go to jail.
• The night before the party, announce to the hosts that you’ve canceled all plans for this year’s John Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon costume, then show up in your John Beargrease Sled Dog Marathon costume. HINT: This can be a double-dipper dress-up idea. When you arrive, throw paper cups all over the floor, eat all the cheese dip to create parking congestion in the bathroom, and sweat all over the other guests. Now you’re Grandma’s Marathon!
”Hey, I don’t appreciate you mocking Duluth’s revenue generators, fella! You apologize right now!”
Oh, alright. Sorry, Mr. Carlson.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and invites you to follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater or “like” him on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater. He wanted to go trick-or-treating this year as the Obamacare website but he was too organized.