If it weren't for random thoughts, Brian would have no thoughts at allEvery time I look at her, I am dressing Miley Cyrus with my eyes.
By: Brian Matuszak, For the Budgeteer News
So I was talking with a friend of mine. Said a woman had hurt his pride. Told him that she loved him so, then turned around and let him go.
I told my friend to stop being Petty and listen to some of my random thoughts instead. He left, but if you’re reading this far in, you’re trapped! So here they come ....
The balloon-less BalloonFest was such a hit that the state of Minnesota thought it’d get in on all the mythical action. That’s why we now have a football-less football team.
Speaking of that, if anyone has any extra Vikings tickets they don’t want, please send them my way. I am out of Halloween candy and Kleenex.
Thank goodness Kwik Trip is coming to the Twin Ports. I was running out of places to assist the clerks with making correct change.
Velcro shoes need to make a comeback. Velcro cardigans need to be invented. Velcro Spats was the name of my high school band.
If my biggest question of the day is “Was that free doughnut filled with chocolate pudding or chocolate frosting?” I’m having a pretty good day.
Every time I look at her, I am dressing Miley Cyrus with my eyes.
When the ducks finally take over the world, the first thing they’ll do is to get all of us in a row.
Speaking of that, what’s more terrifying? Zombie Ducks or Vampire Monkeys? Don’t answer right away. Really think about it. I’ve got $5 riding on this with Mom.
Advice to all Twin Ports waiters: You can demonstrate to me all day about how it wasn’t you who bled on my ham and cheese omelette, but it won’t improve your chances for a better tip.
Top 3 Soon-To-Be-Outdated Punchlines: 3) Just the fax, Ma’am. 2) It was Scotch-taped to the chicken. 1) Take my WiFi, please.
I threw my back out over the weekend and, of course, not two minutes later, I needed it.
“I’m Batman” is an acceptable response for almost any question. The exception being “So why do you want to work here at Channel 10?”
Truckstop vending machines literally dispense with the pleasantries.
Maybe the Grinch was just borrowing Christmas. Don’t be so quick to judge.
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve said, “If I had a nickel …” I’d have two nickels.
Brian Matuszak is the founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and invites you to follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater or “Like” like him on Facebook at Rubber Chicken Theater. By the way, Lipps Inc., he will not take you down to Funkytown. He was already there today.