Brian Matuszak column: Brian’s mind randomly wanders but always comes homeSo even though they’re technically over, the Dog Days of Summer continue to drink from the toilet of my creativity, metaphorically speaking.
So even though they’re technically over, the Dog Days of Summer continue to drink from the toilet of my creativity, metaphorically speaking.
And since I’m not feeling particularly inspired this week, I’ll have to dig deep within the confines of my dark, dusty subconscious and unleash a couple months’ worth of Random Thoughts.
These arbitrary musings have been bottled up in my brain longer than a dollar store Shasta, so let’s shake ‘em up and watch ‘em explode around the living room!
• I could watch golf at Enger Park for hours, but I’m usually chased off the course by security after 20 minutes.
• Fashion tip: Kittens don’t like wearing pants. Don’t try putting them in pants.
• I’m bored with the phrase “Dog Days of Summer,” by the way. Join me in renaming them “Monkey Months.” We’ll all be better off.
• You know what would make a good TV show? Yeah, neither does Fox.
• Hats that are labeled as One-Size-Fits-All should actually be labeled as One-Size-Fits-All-Except-For-Your-Huge-Melonhead-Brian.
• When you were a kid, watching cartoons all day in your underpants while scarfing down handfuls of Cap’n Crunch was adorable. Apparently, that’s not the case when you’re 50.
• If I could have dinner with any two people from the history of television, I’d pick Cheryl Ladd going undercover as a nurse and Cheryl Ladd going undercover as a lifeguard.
• My all-time favorite comic book swear word is “#@!$&*!!”
• Attention Friday cashiers everywhere: Stop demanding that
I have a great weekend.
I can’t take that kind of pressure!
• Belly buttons aren’t as cute as their name implies.
• You can chase seagulls all day long, but try giving one a cigarette and suddenly you’re a monster.
• I walked into a bar once with a rabbi and a priest, but nothing funny happened.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and invites you to follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/rchickentheater or like him on Facebook at “Rubber Chicken Theater.” Also, his Random Thoughts are now neatly categorized according to height and weight.