Brian Matuszak column: Minnesota celebrates new marriages with old challengesSo by the time you read this, our ranks of married couples will have increased by a significant number. Same-sex marriage became legal on August 1 and now even more Minnesota citizens can experience the joy, and irritation, of wedded life.
So by the time you read this, our ranks of married couples will have increased by a significant number. Same-sex marriage became legal on August 1 and now even more Minnesota citizens can experience the joy, and irritation, of wedded life.
Since this is uncharted waters for so many of you, I’d better bring you up to speed on what happens next, because that short walk down the aisle is just the beginning of a long ... long ... LONG expedition.
Your first major realization as this relationship shifts from “illegal” to “legal” will be that the meanings of words and phrases also shift from any previously recognized definitions to entirely new ones. It’s all part of the fun.
For example, the word “in-laws” will now become part of your vocabulary. You and your spouse no longer have people in the periphery of your lives that were once known as “the parents of your partner.”
Now, you are both proud possessors of IN-LAWS. This means you have two places to eat big meals on holidays and lots more birthdays to remember. Better buy a planner and a gym membership.
Here are a few more examples of Marital Verbiage that you needed to learn by July 31:
• “What do you think?” is no longer a request for your opinion on a particular subject, shirt or color scheme. It’s what’s known in the marriage business as a “bone,” tossed your way to indicate that your spouse pretends to care what you think. Soon, they won’t even spend a second pretending to take your preference into consideration. Oh, they’ll still ask the question, but then they’ll promptly do whatever they wanted to do in the first place.
• Your new moniker is “someone.” “Someone should do this task” now directly translates into “YOU should do this task.” Someone should scoop out the kitty litter box? YOU should scoop out the kitty litter box. Someone should vacuum out the bathroom vent? YOU should vacuum out the bathroom vent. Someone should say what they mean? YOU better not utter a word.
• ALONE equals TOGETHER. Pre-wedding, when you said you wanted to be alone, you actually meant you didn’t want another
living creature within a 12-mile radius. Post-wedding, however, when you say you want to be alone, your mate knows that that really means you want them glued directly to your hip. The only time you will have truly “alone” from here on out is in the bathroom, and that’s not always a guarantee.
In all seriousness, many of you are in a segment of society that’s about to embark on a wonderful journey of discovery, a journey that was previously denied to you. You had found someone with whom you wanted to share your life, but Minnesota said: “That won’t be happening.”
But now, Minnesota has turned around and given you the greatest wedding gift that you could ever receive: the person you love is now legally yours.
Accept them. Protect them. Love them. Warts and all. Because that’s what they’re doing for you.
And you’re both worth it.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and will celebrate his 26th year of wedded bliss this September. Some of you people have a long ways to go.