Brian Matuszak column: Brian answers the eternal question: Why do people own cats?So our cat broke the Internet. Initially, I thought she was jealous of all the feline videos I’ve been watching online, but I assured her the viewing was research for the Internet Cat Video Festival at the Minnesota State Fair this summer.
So our cat broke the Internet.
Initially, I thought she was jealous of all the feline videos I’ve been watching online, but I assured her the viewing was research for the Internet Cat Video Festival at the Minnesota State Fair this summer.
It’s true. The great summer get-together is featuring an event where you can pay to watch every single YouTube video of cute cats doing cute things like playing the piano or fixing a carburetor.
Actually, I made that last one up. Cats don’t do anything useful like auto repair.
And yet we still keep them around, which begs two questions: “What do the cats know that we don’t?” and “Who would pay to watch cat videos?”
The answers are as intertwined as ... well, as a couple of cuddly cats snoozing in front of a crackling winter fire.
Cats are the ultimate bad boys, even if they’re girls. They commit frustratingly random acts of evil, yet we continue to provide them with food, water, and clean litter boxes.
Take our cat, for example. We’ve had this round black clumsy bundle of “joy,” aptly named Crash, around the Matuszak household for three years now. You’d think it was because she was a good pet, right? Well, here’s a quick recap of just a few of this feline’s felonious activities:
• Crash broke the Internet by chewing through the cord underneath the desk that connects the computer to the world.
• Crash wrecked my wife’s electronic scale used to weigh merchandise for eBay shipping by chewing through the cord.
• Crash destroyed a pair of my daughter’s headphones by ... you guessed it ... chewing through the cord.
This cat has a problem, but it’s not just cords; she gnaws on EVERYTHING! We had an empty box sitting in the kitchen, not bothering anyone. One day, Crash meanders into the box and disappears for an entire afternoon. We forgot she was even in there until we heard the loud, ripping sounds as she shredded that box into cardboard coleslaw. The tiny brown flakes still float through the house like a nuclear winter.
Last weekend, I foolishly left a check by the door so I wouldn’t forget to bring it to the bank. I turned to grab my wallet and when I turned back, this is what was left:
And yet, not only do we still own, feed, and scratch this cat, we’ve even come up with adorable names for her horrendous habit: Chewy, Bitey, Chompy LeMew. What is wrong with us?!!
And this cat is not only a menace, she’s a liar! She crawled onto Kaylee’s lap at the animal shelter and swore up and down that she was harmless and lovable and only wanted to be brought home where she’d purr and lie in our laps and be a wonderful friend and companion. Well, OK, she has done all of that ... but she’s also a MUNCHING MENACE!
Of course, you all know why we still own this cat. Cats not only have that “bad boy/girl” vibe working for them — they also have the “cuddly” angle cornered. They’re fuzzy, they have huge eyes, and when they’re in trouble, they flick on the purrbox and run that motor ‘til it vibrates deep in our soul.
No, I’m afraid we will be stuck with Crash for a very long time, and that’s OK.
We’ll just wrap up loose cords, and keep our hands and feet clear as she gobbles up every cardboard container in St. Louis County.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and doesn’t think too long about all the money he spends on vet bills, cat food, and replacing headphones and the Internet every two months.