Brian Matuszak column: Runners and tall ships and art fairs. Oh my!So the Twin Ports is gearing up for another big summer! Lots of fun in the sun, hittin’ the beach with warm weather and tons of outdoor activit — ah, who am I kidding? We’re not gonna see temperatures above 50 ‘til August.
By: Brian Matuszak, For the Budgeteer News
So the Twin Ports is gearing up for another big summer! Lots of fun in the sun, hittin’ the beach with warm weather and tons of outdoor activit —
ah, who am I kidding? We’re not gonna see temperatures above 50 ‘til August.
However, there are a few events coming up this summer that aren’t wholly dependent upon the weather and these are the ones we should focus our money on. After all, if Duluth didn’t have these stupendous, exciting, momentous SUMMER EVENTS, we might actually have to depend on employing people for more than three months, and that’s hard.
Hope to see you at one of the following Super Special Summer Spectacular Spectacles! (Uh, oh. I have now depleted my weekly allotment of the letter “s”. The Budgeteer gave me only 30, and Larry Weber borrowed a few to write about oprey and peagullth. Dorry.)
Tall Ships Festival
This exciting event features … are you ready? Well, get ready, because it’s exciting! It’s eventful! It features: Ships That Are Unnaturally Tall! Yes, people from around the world congregate down by the harbor in massive numbers , large groups not seen down there since Elvis dropped a scarf by the Flame Restaurant while eating his weight in deep-fried frog legs and peanut butter, all of them waiting to witness the awe-inspiring majesty of …
A tall ship.
Well, more than a single tall ship. There are at least four or five ships that are built in such a way that the top of them reaches high up into the air. And this is while the boats are sitting in the water, docked. Do you get that? They’re not moving. Whoo hoo!!!
OK, look. This may not sound so exciting to you, but think about the very real danger of neck spasms as folks glance up at the overall tallness of these ships. And that thrill as seagulls soar by in the sky, ready to drop delightfully gooey gifts to those same people looking upwards, mouths agape. It doesn’t get more extreme, dude!
Too much adrenaline for you? Then try this.
Park Point Art Fair
More homemade art than you can shake a stick at. And chances are, that shaken stick is a part of somebody’s art at the Park Point Art Fair. You’ll discover miniature Lift Bridges made out of agates. You can fondle the wrought iron loons. And be sure to pick up some leather pouches that are 97 percent guaranteed to not be made out of human skin. Sure, your already frustrating crawl out to visit Park Point will be even slower on this particular summer weekend, but hey! Think about all the ceramic cat planters waiting for you!
Not into art? Or sitting in your car breathing exhaust? Then perhaps I’ll see you at ...
But I doubt it. The closest I get to Duluth that weekend is Zumbrota. And I STILL get jostled by runners.
There you have it! Just a few of the Super Special Summer Spectacular Spectacles you’ll find in Duluth this June through August.
Don’t forget to show your appreciation for the people who made all this inconvenience and hassle possible: tourists! In fact, feel free to hug them as they use one of the thousands of summer porta-biffs that pop up throughout the Northland. Just make sure to hold back until they have exited.
Waiting inside to surprise them can come off as creepy. Uh, I heard.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and enjoys summers away from his favorite city by the lake, which is kinda silly because he can’t get anywhere near the lake in the frigid winter months without his nose hair freezing into solid spikes.