Brian Matuszak column: Bears, bingo, and BrianSo I cracked open my Cranium Column Cupboard in search of an idea for this week’s Budgeteer but, much like my continued hunt for spring, I found nothing.
So I cracked open my Cranium Column Cupboard in search of an idea for this week’s Budgeteer but, much like my continued hunt for spring, I found nothing.
Well, that’s not entirely true. I did unearth a moldy bundle of Gary Doty jokes back in a dark corner. And when I shoved aside an old trunk full of Pat Kelly hair tufts (1980-1984), a piece of yellow legal-pad paper with the name “E. Clifford Mork” scrawled across it, fluttered across the dusty floor. But that was it.
However, deadlines loom and humor waits for no man (except for Russell Crowe), so I need to get to work. Time to scan the local headlines to see if there’s any topic that lends itself to a comic colonoscopy and can be humorously examined.
Mmmmm, how about this one?
TENTATIVE IDEA #1: Fond-du-Luth’s ongoing battle with the City of Duluth.
I can imagine a fun scenario where Mayor Don Ness enters the casino and plays a high-stakes bingo game against tribal chairwoman Karen Diver for the soul of Downtown Duluth:
NESS: Under the G, “Gee, we have sinkholes in our potholes and we need this revenue for our budgetholes.”
DIVER: Under the N, “No.”
(Don proceeds to the blackjack table.)
NESS: Hit me.
DIVER: I already did. Over and over and over again.
(Don proceeds to the dice throwing table.)
DIVER: Yes. Yes, it is.
Mmmmm. This one?
TENTATIVE IDEA #2: Confused bears.
Bears are waking up because their internal hibernation clocks are telling them it’s spring when, in reality, it’s still butt-cold winter outside. Soon, these sleepy animals are stumbling about the city like Last Place on Earth customers, and wreaking just as much havoc. Finally, Ranger Smith from Jellystone Park shows up and helps lead all the groggy bears into empty buildings in downtown Duluth. This, in turn, flicks on the Genius Switch in city councilor Jay Fosle’s goatee, and soon a new revenue stream is born: The Downtown Duluth Norshor Bear Center, the Tech Village Live Bear Exhibit, and the Radisson Bear Ride, conveniently located on top of the former hotel, where tourists can pay to be chased by hungry bears while they all run in circular-place, all generate a gazillion dollars. Before long, the city doesn’t even need the casino money anymore but they can’t get Don out of there because he’s drinking his weight in complimentary Mountain Dew.
Yeah, I could explore either one of those ideas for next week’s wacky column!
Mmmmm. Better scrub off those Gary Doty jokes instead.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and believes “E. Clifford Mork” is the funniest mayoral name ever. Not just in Duluth, but in these entire United States.