Column: Loose lips sink ships, Wade Stadium walls, and Brian’s hopes for a Chipotle in DuluthSo have you heard the latest rumor that’s covering Duluth like a bad Phil Johnson toupee?
So have you heard the latest rumor that’s covering Duluth like a bad Phil Johnson toupee? (Sorry, I know that’s redundant.)
Apparently, we’re getting a Chipotle restaurant. One of my sources says it’s going into the old gas station up by UMD that’s now renovated and sports a vibrant color scheme of brown and darker brown. However, a friend of an uncle of a past acquaintance’s ex-chiropractor swears it’s locating somewhere out in West Duluth. If I had to guess, I’d say Wade Stadium, because God starting tearing it down last week. (There’s your marketing campaign, Chipotle corporate: “Burrito Bowls so tasty, the Almighty is parting the walls!”)
But despite the frenzied speculation, you’ll pardon me if I don’t get too worked up just yet. I’ve heard this particular scuttlebutt for years, almost as long as I’ve enjoyed working the word “scuttlebutt” into conversations. Chipotle, an upscale Mexican fast food place with restaurants scattered throughout the Twin Cities like dandruff on a Chihuahua, has supposedly been planning to open up in our neck of the woods for several years now. In fact, the first time I heard this rumor, I had hair. And hope for a Viking Super Bowl. That’s a lo-o-o-o-ong time ago.
But the mere mention of this particular piece of gossip seems to set local lips abuzzing and transfixes our community. I think it’s due to what I call the Twin Ports Superiority/Inferiority Complex. We secretly crave the wooing from national retailers like Chipotle ... or Hooters ... or George Clooney ... or all three (now that’s a party), but at the same time, we don’t think we’re worthy of the attention.
Before you know it, Duluth is overgrown with gossipy grapevines but nothing ever seems to materialize. Chipotle is coming to town! (Nope.) Forever 21 is opening up in the Miller Hill Mall! (Haven’t seen it.) An alien with an exploding mouth will host a local radio show! (OK, that one came true.) It’s a vicious circle and it’s time to stop. In fact, I’m declaring this column a rumor-free zone.
From this day forward, I will not write one paragraph that isn’t 100 percent factually true beyond a shadow of a doubt. It’s what Jack Nicholson and Beyoncé deserve when they read my column between takes of their new movie which is currently being shot in the Great Lakes Aquarium, Morgan Park, and other cavernous, empty locations.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and just received word that spring is coming, but doesn’t believe that either.