Brian Matuszak column: Brian chips some random thoughts out of his frozen brainSo it’s been cold, really cold, which shouldn’t have come as a newsflash to anyone except maybe the weekend weather guy on Channel 10.
So it’s been cold, really cold, which shouldn’t have come as a newsflash to anyone except maybe the weekend weather guy on Channel 10 (“Uh, as you can see on the, um, overhead map weather storm map here … *gulp* … there is a big blue arrow pointy thing hovering up here over, uh, Nashkeewatinwauk, and, um, well, that means … uh … does anyone have a tissue?”).
So due to the mercury dipping lower than Fox News’ journalistic standards, my creative juices have frozen up as well. Time to jam a warm fork into these subzero recesses of my brain and chip out the first Random Thought Column of 2013:
•When the former KDAL Radio and KDLH Channel 3 studios on Superior Street get demolished for that massive new Atwater Group Building,
I wonder what local media secrets will be uncovered? Pat Cadigan’s cardigan? Heatwave Berler’s clandestine shoe lifts? Marsh Nelson’s real first name? The mind boggles.
•Spoiler Alert! When the Bay City Rollers start singing “S! A! T-U-R!” they are going to spell out “Saturday Night.”
•You heard it here first: The real reason the Duluth News Tribune is canceling “Blondie” isn’t financial. It’s because “Blondie” hasn’t been funny since 1943.
•If Marilyn Monroe was a candle in the wind, then Nicki Minaj is a flame-thrower in a monsoon.
•ANSWER: “One fish. Two fish. Red fish. Blue fish.” QUESTION: What was the final status report on the effect of those Lake Superior barrels?
•I’d shovel my sidewalk more often if it didn’t snow so much.
•I’M SORRY, BUT CAPITAL LETTERS ARE THE ONLY WAY TO CONVEY MY EXTREME, EMOTIONAL REACTION TO BARRY MANILOW’S “READY TO TAKE A CHANCE AGAIN”!! Plus, that’s how I sing it in the shower, baby. All caps ….
•If A&W had been started by folks with the initials B & M, I’d never eat there as much as I do. And I for sure wouldn’t order the cheese curds.
•Not to tell tales out of school, but I heard Darren Danielson had some work done, if you know what I mean. It’s understandable. I mean, those crates of hair gel weren’t going to haul themselves up Observation Hill.
•When the cast from “2 Broke Girls” comes over to your house, don’t bother
vacuuming. They already suck.
Brian Matuszak is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is looking forward to the day the temperature gets above 1. So, June.