Brian’s birthday wish: ‘Don’t be stupid.’So it’s time for my annual summer decision. It’s not wondering what I should wear out in the blazing sun (one look at my foot tan should answer that one), or figuring out where I parked the kayak. No, the only big summer decision I have to make is “What do I want for my birthday this year?”
So it’s time for my annual summer decision. It’s not wondering what I should wear out in the blazing sun (one look at my foot tan should answer that one), or figuring out where I parked the kayak. No, the only big summer decision I have to make is “What do I want for my birthday this year?”
It’s always tough, mostly because I just used up most of my gift-receiving wishes on Father’s Day a few weeks back and you can get raspberry-flavored coffee and metallic Speedos only once a year. (Kidding! I didn’t get any coffee.)
New decisions must be made so the appropriate gifts can be showered upon me by family, friends, business associates, and local restaurateurs. (Not naming names, just looking at Green Mill and whistling ….)
I could go the No-Fun-But-Practical route (Tennis shoes? Pants? Deodorant?), or maybe something a bit more desirable is in order (I heard the new “Fifty Shades of Grey” iPhone app is pretty cool).
Or-r-r-r-r …… maybe I should risk embarrassment and request a different object of desire, one that is hidden way down in the deep, dark, depths of my soul, where no one ever sees — what are you grimacing
at? I’m talking about an authentic Star Wars collectible fully-articulated miniature Imperial Snow Walker. Get your mind out of the gutter!
Decisions, decisions. ...
Wait, I know! June was kind of a frustrating month due to an exceptionally high number of run-ins with different members of The Stupid People Coalition. I could make a formal birthday request to the delegates from that fine organization of a 30-day cooling off period where I don't have to deal with any of you.
You know who you are.
The truckload of teenagers I spied driving down a demolished Haines Road after the Great Duluth Flood, ignoring ROAD CLOSED signs and having a grand old time. Until you reached the bottom of what was left of Haines Road.
The driver who backed into Sue and me because you didn’t look behind you, then promptly revealed that you also weren’t carrying a driver’s license and that it wasn’t even your vehicle you were driving.
The insurance company for the above-mentioned vehicle who took three weeks to settle the claim because you were waiting for a phone call from that driver and then, when you finally did talk with the person, you didn’t believe them anyway and promptly accepted liability. Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you did the right thing, I’m just a little fuzzy on why you even needed to speak with them in the first place since we had pictures ... and the police were there ... and Sue was after you every day with any other information you could possibly need. (Helpful hint for all stupid people out there: Don’t mess with my wife.)
The selfish brainiac who needed a nicotine fix so badly you were standing INSIDE the foyer at Super One and enjoying a heater, oblivious to the fact that no one else who was exiting the grocery store shared in your smoky needs.
Sadly, there were too many other stupid people that I ran into last month — from impatient drivers full of not-so-helpful hints to assistant golf coaches — for me to mention them all in one column. But I would like to make this one, tiny birthday request to all of you: Please keep your distance until August 1. Maybe you could go be stupid in Wisconsin for a month.
I understand it’s socially acceptable over there, especially in politics.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and will accept birthday gifts in the form of handmade cards and/or Green Mill coupons.