Brian’s new face gets no reaction

• Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak

Talk about it

So I purchased new glasses a few weeks back, and now I look like Elmer Fudd, if Elmer Fudd had purchased new glasses a few weeks back (along with a double chin). But I do kind of like it. I am rockin’ the Retro-Freaky-Geek-Wannabe look.

The thing is, though, I can’t tell if any of my friends or family like the new look. I was anticipating a wide variety of responses when I debuted my newly-shaped face: gasps, wide smiles, nods of approval, maybe even a few murmurs of “Hotty McTotty” (hey, a guy can dream). Instead, my new glasses have received nothing but the ear-filling sounds of silence.

I am currently teaching four classes at UMD, and you would think that, out of all those 100-plus students, ONE of them would have to look towards the front of the classroom eventually. But when I strode to the chalkboard that first day with the new eyewear, all I heard was a whispered, heyyougotnewglasses, and nothing else.

When I whirled around to see who uttered it, all eyes were buried deep in the iPhones. I can’t even be sure I heard what I heard; they could have said ladygagashenanigans for all I know.

A few days later, I encountered two theater compatriots at various functions around town. I jutted my face out towards them while we spoke, even managing to waggle my eyebrows a few times as if to say “We may be two fuzzy, creepy, face caterpillars, but have you seen what’s underneath us?!”, but I received not so much as a smirk, a grimace, or an incredulous WHY? These people just kept reacting to me as if I have always resembled Les Nessman from WKRP.

Listen, changing anything about my appearance does not happen very often. Heck, I’m lucky if I look different from one DECADE to the next. I’m still wearing the same brand of sweat socks and underpants that I wore in the early ‘90s, and while that may be “TMI”, as the kids say, ... well, “TDB” as The Brian says!

I plopped down some big bucks for these glasses, and I want someone to notice! I mean, it’s what we are all trying to get out of life, isn’t it? Some acknowledgement of our existence? Doesn’t have to be an Oscar, or even an Oeuvre Award for Best Actor in a Play (Brian Matuszak for Rubber Chicken Theater’s production of “American Buffalo”, thanks for asking), just something simple.

A head nod shared with a neighbor while you’re both out shoveling the sidewalk for the thousandth time in one weekend, a simple email of appreciation from someone who has giggled at something silly you wrote, or noticing when a friend or colleague gets a haircut. It all means “It’s a crazy trip, this journey called life. But there you are. We see you, and we acknowledge that you do, indeed, exist.”

Is that really too much to ask, Mom?

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is tired of six winters’ worth of snowfall in three days. You see, it’s hard to see your yard when it’s white.

Tags: budge opinion, budgeteer