Valentine's Day coupons from Brian

• Brian Matuszak

Brian Matuszak

Talk about it

So, Valentine’s Day. If you’re a guy, it’s safe to say you didn’t get something lame for your significant other — not because you know what you’re doing, but because you didn’t get ANYTHING for your significant other yet! You’re a guy! But don’t worry, Brian is here to help all of you lame gifters (including girls) with some easy-to-use Valentine coupons that anyone in need of a last-minute gift for your sweetie can clip out and use. Well, almost anyone. And almost any sweetie.

Clip out YOUR Valentine coupon below if you’re …

-Don Ness

Good for one token opposition in the election of your choice.

-Minnesota Republican voters

Let’s play dress-up! I’ll become the naughty Republican of your choice!

(Due to sheer volume, coupon bearer must be specific in choice

of naughty Republican.)

-Chip Cravaack

Buy one vowel, get one free.(Oops, looks like Chip has already redeemed this one.)

-Twin Ports white people

Redeem this coupon for one full face-rubbing.

-Fond-du-Luth Casino and the City of Duluth

Cuddlebunnies!

-Ron Paul

This coupon good for one more month of “Let’s pretend.”

-Duluth School Board

The answer is YES! (This is one of those dirty-fantasy coupons ...)

-Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter/Twilight fans

Redeem this coupon for one life.

-Minnesota Vikings fans

Redeem this coupon for one win (also a fantasy coupon).

-WDSM radio talk show host Brad Bennett

Pucker Up! Let’s use those lips for something other than mangling, mashing, and murdering poor defenseless words such as “Roger Reinert,” “statistical,” and “hoarfrost.”

-Mitt Romney and/or Newt Gingrich

Good for one long, luxurious bubble bath after the mudslinging party.

Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and he would like to apologize to the Budgeteer editor for all the deletion smudges on his column when he handed it in this week but he didn’t notice them as he was composing it. You see, it’s hard to see erasism when you write.

Tags: budge opinion, budgeteer