Bears receive much publicitySo, what’s the deal with all the bears in the paper lately? Seems like every time I open my Duluth News Tribune, there’s another story about these furry creatures attacking someone (bad bear!), strung up as hunting trophies (poor bear!), or giving birth live on camera (too much info, bear!).
By: Brian Matuszak, for the Duluth Budgeteer News
So, what’s the deal with all the bears in the paper lately? Seems like every time I open my Duluth News Tribune, there’s another story about these furry creatures attacking someone (bad bear!), strung up as hunting trophies (poor bear!), or giving birth live on camera (too much info, bear!). I’m telling you, bears are getting more ink in the DNT than St. Luke’s neurosurgeons. Good thing they can’t read.
The bears, I mean...
“CUE HARP MUSIC. CROSS FADE TO SOUNDS OF A BUSY BEAR BOARDROOM, WITH LOTS OF SNORTS, SNUFFLES AND FUZZY PAWS POUNDING ON THE TABLES.”
YOGI: OK, like, quiet down, you guys! You’re gonna wake up Ranger Smith, and we don’t want him to know what’s goin’ on. Sheesh!
BOO BOO: I don’t think Ranger Smith is waking up, Yogi.
YOGI: Why not, Little Buddy?
BOO BOO: You mauled him last spring…
YOGI: That was Ranger Smith? I thought it was a pick-a-nick basket!
POOH: Can we get on with it? I’ve got my eye on a particularly yummy batch of honey out in the Hundred Acre Wood.
YOGI: I got news for you, Pooh, boy. Walmart is expandin’ again, so you’re gonna be down to, like, a Six and a Half Acre Wood.
POOH: Oh, bother!
BOO BOO: Tell ‘em why we’re here, Yogi.
YOGI: Oh yeah. There’s been, like, a bunch of stories about us in the Duluth News Tribune lately, and I think you guys need to lay low for a while.
FOZZIE: But I got a new movie comin’ out! I can use the publicity! Waka! Waka!
YOGI: (MUTTERS) Yeah, cuz nobody knows anything about the Muppets...
FOZZIE: Hey, Boo Boo! Why’d the bear cross the road?
BOO BOO: I don’t know, Fozzie.
FOZZIE: They were out of Duluth News Tribunes on his side, and he wanted to read about himself again!
YOGI: Look, just cool it, OK? Too much bad publicity prevents....
SMOKEY: Forest fires?
YOGI: Worse! Pick-a-nick baskets! So, all of you, take an early hibernation, willya? Meanwhile, because I’m smarter than the average bear....
BOO BOO: In reality, that isn’t much of an achievement, Yogi.
YOGI: ...I have broken into the editor’s office and stolen these files to see what other kinda stories they got comin’ up about us!
BOO BOO: Robin Washington isn’t gonna like that, Yogi.
YOGI: (LOOKING OVER FILES) Hey....wait a minute. These aren’t stories at all. They’re trail camera pictures!
SNAGGLEPUSS: Heavens to Murgatroyd! Give me those back! They show off my good side! Exit, stage right!
BOO BOO: I thought this was a closed meeting.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre, founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and is appearing in “Resurrection Blues” at St. Scholastica right now. It’s a comedy by Arthur Miller that tackles classic humorous scenarios like erectile dysfunction and televised crucifixions.