Rubber Chicken Scratchings: A new year means new failures

So it’s 2011 and I’m disappointed. Not because my 30th high school reunion will be this summer — although that fact does give me pause ... I mean, has it really been 30 years since I ruled the halls of AlBrook in my “The Empire Strikes Back” T-shirt and “Grease” pencil box? — but what happened to all the super-cool, futuristic things we were supposed to have achieved by now? Teleportation devices … hovercrafts … the Vikings winning the Super Bowl — any crazy idea seemed possible 30 years ago!

But, as always, a handful of optimistic expectations are crushed under the weight of a thousand realities. (Stupid Vikings....)

As time has passed, I’ve found that the best way to deal with these annual disappointments (have I mentioned that the Vikings are stupid?) is to sweep them under the rug of the previous year and lay down some fresh, new-year flooring on Jan. 1. Some call them “New Year’s resolutions” as they try to lose weight or quit smoking or stop biting their toenails, but mine aren’t as personal and creepy as that.

No, I call them “New Year expectations.” That way, they aren’t as soul-destroying if they don’t come true, and, if they do, I can pull out my “Empire” T-shirt and celebrate.

Here then, are my 2011 New Year’s expectations:

• I expect that the DECC will sell out its first live event of the year, but it won’t be a Bob Dylan concert. It will be Mayor Don Ness firing Secret Service Entertainment as the Dave Matthews Band plays in the background.

• I expect that, for the first time in two years, someone, somewhere in the Northland, will turn on the KDLH news and say “Look, it’s Kevin Jacobsen” instead of “Look, it’s not Pat Kelly.”

• I expect that Mark Dayton will review the history of Minnesota governors to see where they each had success in implementing their policies, which will result in more Carlson compromises, more Pawlenty unallotments and more Ventura body slams.

• I expect that bald guys wearing tight, Star Wars T-shirts will no longer be considered sad and pathetic but will instead be called “brave and trend-setting” by members of the media, as well as their families.

• I expect the UMD Bulldogs football team will draw thousands of fans for a frigid fourth-place game at Malosky Field while the Lady Bulldogs hockey team, playing in the warm, cushy Amsoil Arena, wins its sixth national championship in front of 47 people.

• I expect that the Vikings will win the Super Bowl. (Shut up.)