Rubber Chicken Scratchings: A new column for the old year

So it’s time to write the last column of the year. Better cue up the Elvis!

No, not the theme from his 1967 movie “Clambake” — although I do applaud your musical taste. No, no; we need some “My Way,” because the end is near for the Vikings and 2010. (I know, I know: October was actually the end for the Vikes, but I had a different column to write then. Remember? The one about How-to-Serve Man?)

So let’s grab a wet vac and start sucking out the last of the random thoughts that are hiding out in the dark, spooky corners of my mind so I can get a fresh start on 2011. Here we go:

• Does the repeal of the 300-foot rule mean I can start hanging out in front of Pat Kelly’s house again?

• When the zombies show up, they better not knock over the cardboard table with my puzzle on it. That’s just rude.

• Dairy Queen Dilly Bars are delicious, but the Dilly Dally Bars take too long to get when you order them.

• I went to “turkey bingo” at the Saginaw Town Hall in 1979, and the last game of the night was a blackout. Someone yelled “Bingo!” and the number caller asked us all to hold onto our cards. Can I let go of mine yet?

• If you squint real hard, an image of the Virgin Mary appears in George Kessler’s beard.

• Holiday Tip No. 1: Crazed carolers who demand figgy pudding and threaten not to leave until they get some will also be satisfied with Fig Newtons covered in mayonnaise.

• Men’s wardrobe for this column was supposed to be provided by Mainstream Fashions for Men, but I lost the account when I brought in my birthday suit to be cleaned and pressed.

• The mayor may claim to have an open-door policy, but if you hear a thud, followed by heaving dragging, you should really knock first.

• Holiday Tip No. 2: Don’t do a YouTube search for “Mommy kissing Santa Claus.”

• Facebook, schmacebook … my new social network is NoseNovel. The only complaint? It takes too long to pick your friends.

• Why is it taking so long for Reese’s and Victoria’s Secret to team up for Peanut Butter D-Cups? I wrote to them, like, last year!

• Holiday Tip No. 3: If Superior Mayor David Ross asks you to pull his finger for a Christmas miracle, don’t believe him.