Rubber Chicken Scratchings: A new column for the old yearQuestion: Why is it taking so long for Reese’s and Victoria’s Secret to team up for Peanut Butter D-Cups?
By: Brian Matuszak, Budgeteer News
So it’s time to write the last column of the year. Better cue up the Elvis!
No, not the theme from his 1967 movie “Clambake” — although I do applaud your musical taste. No, no; we need some “My Way,” because the end is near for the Vikings and 2010. (I know, I know: October was actually the end for the Vikes, but I had a different column to write then. Remember? The one about How-to-Serve Man?)
So let’s grab a wet vac and start sucking out the last of the random thoughts that are hiding out in the dark, spooky corners of my mind so I can get a fresh start on 2011. Here we go:
• Does the repeal of the 300-foot rule mean I can start hanging out in front of Pat Kelly’s house again?
• When the zombies show up, they better not knock over the cardboard table with my puzzle on it. That’s just rude.
• Dairy Queen Dilly Bars are delicious, but the Dilly Dally Bars take too long to get when you order them.
• I went to “turkey bingo” at the Saginaw Town Hall in 1979, and the last game of the night was a blackout. Someone yelled “Bingo!” and the number caller asked us all to hold onto our cards. Can I let go of mine yet?
• If you squint real hard, an image of the Virgin Mary appears in George Kessler’s beard.
• Holiday Tip No. 1: Crazed carolers who demand figgy pudding and threaten not to leave until they get some will also be satisfied with Fig Newtons covered in mayonnaise.
• Men’s wardrobe for this column was supposed to be provided by Mainstream Fashions for Men, but I lost the account when I brought in my birthday suit to be cleaned and pressed.
• The mayor may claim to have an open-door policy, but if you hear a thud, followed by heaving dragging, you should really knock first.
• Holiday Tip No. 2: Don’t do a YouTube search for “Mommy kissing Santa Claus.”
• Facebook, schmacebook … my new social network is NoseNovel. The only complaint? It takes too long to pick your friends.
• Why is it taking so long for Reese’s and Victoria’s Secret to team up for Peanut Butter D-Cups? I wrote to them, like, last year!
• Holiday Tip No. 3: If Superior Mayor David Ross asks you to pull his finger for a Christmas miracle, don’t believe him.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February of 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre and founder of Rubber Chicken Theater, and if you’ve been meaning to see a Rubber Chicken Theater show in 2010, you only have two chances left! (Dec. 30 and 31 at The Venue. Check out www.rubberchickentheater.com for more details.)