Rubber Chicken Scratchings: Brian’s annual list of scary/annoying/annoyingly scary things

So, it’s the end of October. You know what that means: Time for spooky old ghosts to come knocking at your door, begging you for another valuable treat. But enough about Jim Oberstar, it’s Halloween! Time for my annual Halloween list of scary/annoying/annoyingly scary things. (Pray you aren’t on it this year, Dane Cook….)

SCARY: College bathrooms. I was going to do an entire column on this subject, but I couldn’t — it’s just too darn disturbing. Here’s the deal: I find myself on all three local college campuses (UMD, CSS, UWS, PDQ, LOL, BFF, PBR ME ASAP) three times a week and, when I need to visit the facilities and “powder my nose,” I always dread what I’m going to find behind that graffiti’d-up stall door. There seems to be some biological shift in a young man’s body when he reaches college age that tells him it’s OK to “drop the kids off at the pool” and then walk away. In my day, when you had to “make a phone call to Hitler,” it was a four-step process: unzip, do business, flush, walk away. These kids today are completely skipping step No. 3 — aka the most important step — and it’s grossing me out. I only hope they’re not skipping step No. 1 as well.

ANNOYING: Political ads. This is nothing new. I don’t really know anyone who enjoys political ads — other than the local radio and TV stations — but, seriously, everyone knows every single charge in a political ad is a lie. No one is going to tell the truth about their opponent. (Although, if they did, they’d have my vote every time: “Ladies and gentlemen, my opponent … is actually right on this issue. Huh. Go figure. He’s kinda handsome, too, doggone it. Oh well….)

SCARY: Bedbugs. Seriously, have you been reading about this? Apparently the bedbug is making a comeback in hotels around the country. My wife, daughter and I are so freaked out about this that when we go on a trip out of town, we’ll completely douse our hotel room’s sheets in bleach — before replacing them with ones we brought from home. We don’t even walk on the floors of our room; we just bounce from bed to bed to bathroom doorframe, and then, with a mighty swing, we launch ourselves out into the hotel hallway. You would think that leads to trouble, but we’ve only crashed into people once. Nice young couple from Sheboygan. We told them we were the Gary Doty family from Duluth and they told us their attorney would be in touch. Nice folks.

ANNOYING: This thing stuck in my teeth. It’s been wedged in there between my left vampire tooth and the crunched molars for about six-and-a-half years now. It’s drivin’ me nuts. I keep trying to suck it out, but the face I end up making in the process is starting to draw funny looks from the rest of the Rubber Chicken crew. Maybe I’ll just use this piece of paper I found on the floor of the UMD bathroom to try and get it out.

SCARY: This scab that’s developing on the inside of my mouth. Right next to my left vampire tooth and the crunched molars.

ANNOYING: Dane Cook. Hah!