Rubber Chicken Scratchings: Uff-da! It’s a Rubber Chicken sketch, live in da Budgeteer!Live from Hell, it's an original comedy sketch from Rubber Chicken's Brian Matuszak!
By: Brian Matuszak, Budgeteer News
[A Minnesota couple enters, finishing up an argument.]
LENA: Well, I don’t care what ya say, it sure looks like Hell ta me….
OLE: I guess so. I dunno what we done ta deserve ta end up here, tho.
[Satan enters. He wears a black beret and speaks with an obnoxious French accent.]
SATAN: [Chuckling] Ah, new recruits! Bonjour, mes amis. Hot enough for you?
OLE: [Smiles] Yah sure, we like it fine!
LENA: We keep movin’ around, we’ll warm up in no time.
SATAN: [Incredulous] Warm up? How can you not be warm? It’s hot as Hell down here!
OLE: Well, we’re from Duluth, Minnesota, don’t ya know? Da land of da ice and da snow.
LENA: Yah, we’re just happy for da chance ta thaw out.
SATAN: Happy? We don’t want you happy, Mr. and Mrs. Damned-For-All-Eternity! I’m not running a spa down here! [Stops and thinks] Hmmmm, perhaps I need to crank up the thermostat a few more notches. [Smiles at them in an evil manner] Don’t go away.... [He exits, chuckling]
OLE: Where we gonna go?
LENA: I dunno. Keewatin?
[We hear the sound of Satan snickering while he cranks up the thermostat, followed by a blast furnace kicking in. Ole and Lena smile and make happy noises as Satan enters.]
SATAN: Alright, let’s try this again. [Clears throat, smiles and resumes] Ah, new recruits! Bonjour, mes amis! Hot enough for you?
OLE: Yah, I can almost feel my toes!
SATAN: [Shocked] No way!
OLE AND LENA: Way.
SATAN: Why have the two of you not stripped down to your bare nakedness and began to wail and gnash your teeth! It is now officially hotter than Hell!
OLE: [Shuffles over next to Satan] Perhaps ya missed da part where I said we’re from Duluth, Minnesota? [Giggles]
SATAN: Oh, very good. Get sarcastic with the devil. Very smart! I see I have no choice but to crank up the thermostat a few more notches. Don’t go away! [He exits, now very angry and talking to himself]
OLE: I don’t know where he keeps tinkin’ we’re gonna go.
LENA: Proctor, maybe?
[We hear Satan offstage, still muttering, followed by the sounds of the thermostat being cranked up more notches. There is a pause. Satan says “Ah, what the hell…” And cranks it up all the way. Blast furnace kicks in. Ole and Lena smile and get happier.]
LENA: Ooh, I might have ta unzip da parka a bit more, hey.
OLE: Ooh, dat’s more den I’ve seen in years. Now I am gettin’ kinda hot.
[Satan enters, very agitated and rushed.]
SATAN: All right, all right, let’s try this one more time. Ah, new recruits. Bonjour, mes amis. Hot. Enough. For. You? [Stares at them]
OLE: Not bad. Almost warm enough for a fish fry.
LENA: Yeah, ya got any walleye in dat dare lake of fire?
OLE: [In a trance] Walleye…. Walleye....
SATAN: [Pauses, then explodes] Are you insane? We have now reached the temperature where paper bursts into flame!
OLE: Oh, I read about dat. It’s da Fahrenheit 451!
LENA: Yah, but with da wind chill, it’s only 450.
SATAN: Shut up! Shut up, both of you! You have lived your lives so cold up there in Duluth, Minnesota, that the flames of Hell hold no terror for you! I am forced to try a different tack. Very well — I’m going to blow out the pilot light in Hell. And I’m not happy about it…. [He exits, very angry and humiliated]
OLE: He didn’t tell us ta stay here, hey.
LENA: Maybe we can go?
[We hear the rusty sound of the furnace door opening and the pilot light getting blown out. There is a pause, then a windy blizzard suddenly begins. The couple gets very happy and starts singing and dancing a polka. Satan enters and is shocked by what he sees.]
SATAN: Stop it! Stop dancing! I know that the polka is the official dance of Hell, but stop it! [They stop] What gives with you people? I turn up the heat, you’re happy! I blow out the pilot light in Hell and you’re still happy? What gives?
OLE: Well, don’t ya know, if Hell froze over....
LENA: Dat must mean....
OLE AND LENA: Da Vikings won da Super Bowl!
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February of 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre and founder of Rubber Chicken Theater. He is sad that this will be the last year he can ever perform the sketch you have just read, and he would also like to acknowledge Christa Schulz, who is one of the funniest people he knows.