Rubber Chicken Scratchings: More random thoughts from Brian’s brainIt’s been a month since my last “random thoughts” column, and, since then, more pesky bits of brain droppings have piled up in the dark corners of my mind.
By: Brian Matuszak, Budgeteer News
It’s been a month since my last “random thoughts” column, and, since then, more pesky bits of brain droppings have piled up in the dark corners of my mind. (It’s actually much prettier in there than that phrase would have you believe. There are bunnies and flowers and bowls full of Cap’n Crunch!)
That column proved to be quite therapeutic, not to mention deadline-beating, so let’s give it another go:
• I checked out “The Procrastinator’s Guide to Getting Things Done” from the library, but I had to return it yesterday. Never got around to reading it.
• Is there a more aptly named feature in the News Tribune than the “Eh?” column? I think not! That title is the exact same reaction I have when I read it.
• If I were an evil criminal mastermind, I would not mess around with the Flash. Not only does he run to defeat crime, he runs re-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-eally fast.
• On a similar note, I wouldn’t mess around with white-collar crime. I would strive to be a blue-collar criminal; they’re more the type to GIT-R-STOLEN.
• Members of the Duluth Historic Preservation Commission recently told the City Council that the new windows in City Hall were going to be ugly and not historically tied to the building, but the council signed off on them anyway. But there’s no need to worry: The last time the City Council signed off on something ugly and not historic, we got Great Lakes Aquarium, and look how that turned out!
• If you need your news team to put one hand in their pocket or cross their arms in a confident manner, you need to dial up WDIO.
• If the devil can trick all these people into selling their souls, why can’t God do the same thing? I mean, he (or she) seems like a pretty sharp deity — he (or she) should be able to triple the devil’s inventory. When you can part the Red Sea, turn water into wine and feed thousands of people with one loaf of bread and a fish, I wouldn’t think some vague wording in a contract would be too tough.
• Why is it no one notices my elbow scabs until I accidentally serve one on toast?
• Million-dollar idea for Visit Duluth: “Walking Tall with Dinosaur Ships.” Book your hotel rooms now!
• If there’s a tastier frosting for Pringles than Crest toothpaste gel with tartar protection, I haven’t found it.
• If Grandma’s Saloon & Grill got run over by a reindeer this holiday season, can you imagine the publicity?
• I believe that me and you could travel and live off the land, but I have my doubts about a dog named “Boo.”
• Call me skeptical, but I think Lady Gaga is an honorary title.
• If that Cloquet smell could be bottled and sold at Bath & Body Works, I’d grab a tester of it and squirt, but I probably wouldn’t buy it.
• You may be right. I may be crazy. That would explain the paper tuxedo made out of Robin Washington columns.
• If a tree falls on the Duluth Citizens Blog, does it make a sound? (I know the folks on the blog would, ’cause they’d blame it on the Duluth Fire Department.)
• If Brad Bennett tried to pronounce the words “short shrift,” “kumquat” or “Betty Crocker” on the air during his radio show, he would definitely draw an FCC fine.
• Too bad Mr. Toot isn’t around anymore. He’d be the perfect spokesman for Hacienda del Sol.
Brian Matuszak has been difficult and demanding since February of 2008. He is the co-founder of Renegade Comedy Theatre and founder of Rubber Chicken Theater and he is eagerly looking forward to “Shout! The Mod Musical” opening at The Shack in September. You should be too.